It is National Infertility Awareness Week. If you are one of my Facebook friends you already know that, and have been reminded about three times a day with all my posts. Now it is time to sit down and write my official NIAW blog challenge post. The blog challenge this year is to bust an infertility myth. I decided to write about the myth that annoys me the most: Just relax and you will get pregnant.
Oh, how I wish that were true. I would love nothing more than to go on a vacation have a few Margaritas (on the rocks, with salt on the rim) go back to our hotel room, get our groove on and nine months later pop out our little souvenir. Unfortunately that isn't how it works for us, and for a lot of people just like Garry and I. For us it takes a lot of hard work, pain, and sadness.
I think a lot of people in our lives just assumed we were over reacting when we started seeing a Reproductive Endocrinologist. They thought we were jumping the gun and were just impatient to have it happen. They didn't know we had been trying to get pregnant every other day for a whole year. So I would explain about the charting, the temperature taking, the inspecting of cervical mucus, the lack of any menstrual cycle for half of that year. Then they immediately decided that my uterus was just too tense. We needed to relax... take a vacation... get drunk... have you tried having sex in the back of your car? It works for teenagers!
Once you have heard these things from every close family member, friend, and coworker you start to feel ashamed and hurt. These people that you rely on for support and kindness every other day of the year now choose the hardest time in your life to give you the worst advice possible. When I was diagnosed with Crohn's four years ago no one was telling me to just relax. They all encouraged me to get more testing, try different medications. But when I tell them I can't get pregnant they insinuate it is because we are doing something wrong, we are thinking too much about it.
That isn't how it works, especially when you have gotten to the point that you are seeing an RE. Once you start doing things like Clomid, IUI, and IVF a lot of the process is taken out of your hands. Your entire reproductive system is being controlled by outside sources. Your doctor determines when you ovulate, the timing for insemination, they determine where your hormone levels should be and control them through various injections, suppositories, and patches. All you really do at that point is show up for the appointments and take the medications.
The truth is I relaxed a lot when we started seeing a fertility specialist. Finally we were getting some help, we had some hope again after a year of disappointment. An yet, a year and a half after our first IUI we still have no baby, no baby bump either. After our first IVF failed my Mom called and apologized for ever saying we needed to just relax. She realized now that we actually had something that was physically keeping us from getting pregnant. She also saw a story on Good Morning America that told of a study showing relaxation had no impact on the out come of A.R.T. It took a failed IVF and the morning news team to make her realize that this wasn't in our heads.
This is why we need more awareness. We need people to know that infertility is not a state of mind, it is a disease. If you want to learn more about infertility and the impact it has on couples and families here are two places to educate yourself http://www.resolve.org/infertility101 and http://www.resolve.org/takecharge.
Showing posts with label IUI. Show all posts
Showing posts with label IUI. Show all posts
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Reminiscing...
I am at work right now, and I should be actually doing work. But these days my brain is moving a mile a minute, and it is never about work. We all know what it is about. The thing that has been consuming my life for the past two and a half years. Getting pregnant.
I had a little scare this week, which isn't quite over yet. Thursday I thought I felt the beginnings of a Crohn's flare up coming on. I had stomach pain and I was having problems going #2. But after almost two whole days on a mostly liquid diet I am feeling much better. I have an appointment with my GI doctor on Monday just to make sure everything is ok, because I am a nervous nelly right now. I was convinced it would turn into a full blown flare and ruin our plans to start IVF in two weeks (two weeks!).
I stayed home from work yesterday to try and relax, and honestly it is hard to concentrate on anything when all you have eaten is soup and protein shakes. While I was home I started reminiscing about our journey so far. I went back and read the whole blog, except the parts involving cupcakes. That would just be self-torture.
Here are a few things that struck me during my little trip down memory lane. First: I was devastated every time a cycle failed. With all but one of my IUIs I was convinced it would work. That is how I feel about IVF too. After all, I will have actual embryos inside my uterus. That is further than we have ever come before. Sperm will meet egg one way of another. How could it not work? I try not to think about all the stories I have heard over the past few years of failed cycles despite everything being perfect. I want to stay optimistic. I want to be happy and looking forward to this, not dreading it.
Second: I don't mention my husband much. Partly because I am trying to keep a little bit of anonymity. But that isn't the whole reason. I also feel like it isn't fair to write about him when he doesn't have any input into what I say on here. Heck, he doesn't even read my blog. For those that are curious, his name is Garry and he is amazing. He is funny in a kid in a man's body kind of way. He is handsome in a lumberjack kind of way. Smarter than he will ever admit to. And he loves me more than I ever thought any single person could. He would literally do anything for me, and he has proven that over and over again in the four and half years we have been together.
Third: All considered, I think I have handled this whole thing pretty damn well. Sure I have had my share of break downs and hissy fits. But on a whole I have had more good days than bad in the past year. I have lost almost 60 pounds in ten months. That is huge for me! Garry and I have grown as a couple through all of this too. We are much better at communication now than when we started this whole journey. I remember right at the start of trying to conceive, before we knew there was a problem, I used to sneak OPKs into the bathroom to test because I was afraid it would freak him out if he knew all the dirty details. Now he has been with me while a doctor injected his sperm into my uterus, and while I was having a date with the dildo cam and had my period at the same time. There is not a single thing I can't talk to him about now. How awesome is that?
More than anything this little trip down memory lane has convinced me I am ready. For IVF. For motherhood. For whatever comes next. I can handle it, good or bad. We can handle it.
I had a little scare this week, which isn't quite over yet. Thursday I thought I felt the beginnings of a Crohn's flare up coming on. I had stomach pain and I was having problems going #2. But after almost two whole days on a mostly liquid diet I am feeling much better. I have an appointment with my GI doctor on Monday just to make sure everything is ok, because I am a nervous nelly right now. I was convinced it would turn into a full blown flare and ruin our plans to start IVF in two weeks (two weeks!).
I stayed home from work yesterday to try and relax, and honestly it is hard to concentrate on anything when all you have eaten is soup and protein shakes. While I was home I started reminiscing about our journey so far. I went back and read the whole blog, except the parts involving cupcakes. That would just be self-torture.
Here are a few things that struck me during my little trip down memory lane. First: I was devastated every time a cycle failed. With all but one of my IUIs I was convinced it would work. That is how I feel about IVF too. After all, I will have actual embryos inside my uterus. That is further than we have ever come before. Sperm will meet egg one way of another. How could it not work? I try not to think about all the stories I have heard over the past few years of failed cycles despite everything being perfect. I want to stay optimistic. I want to be happy and looking forward to this, not dreading it.
Second: I don't mention my husband much. Partly because I am trying to keep a little bit of anonymity. But that isn't the whole reason. I also feel like it isn't fair to write about him when he doesn't have any input into what I say on here. Heck, he doesn't even read my blog. For those that are curious, his name is Garry and he is amazing. He is funny in a kid in a man's body kind of way. He is handsome in a lumberjack kind of way. Smarter than he will ever admit to. And he loves me more than I ever thought any single person could. He would literally do anything for me, and he has proven that over and over again in the four and half years we have been together.
Third: All considered, I think I have handled this whole thing pretty damn well. Sure I have had my share of break downs and hissy fits. But on a whole I have had more good days than bad in the past year. I have lost almost 60 pounds in ten months. That is huge for me! Garry and I have grown as a couple through all of this too. We are much better at communication now than when we started this whole journey. I remember right at the start of trying to conceive, before we knew there was a problem, I used to sneak OPKs into the bathroom to test because I was afraid it would freak him out if he knew all the dirty details. Now he has been with me while a doctor injected his sperm into my uterus, and while I was having a date with the dildo cam and had my period at the same time. There is not a single thing I can't talk to him about now. How awesome is that?
More than anything this little trip down memory lane has convinced me I am ready. For IVF. For motherhood. For whatever comes next. I can handle it, good or bad. We can handle it.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
3 Follies + 50 million Sperm =
No baby for us. I am pretty sure I have said it before, and I will say it again now. I have no clue how it is physically possible to have multiple eggs release, millions upon millions of sperm injected directly into my uterus (fairly small organ btw) with perfect timing, and still not get pregnant. It just doesn't make sense. I was so so hopeful at the beginning of this cycle too. But once I heard what my progesterone level was, I just lost all hope. I knew this wouldn't be our month. I have come to terms with it now, so the phone call from the nurse this afternoon really wasn't that painful. It is just the norm at this point.
So our plan from here is to take another break. I am now convinced we will not get PG through anything other than IVF. Sometimes I even wonder if that will do it for us. I have about 40 pounds to lose before we can start IVF. I lost about 30 pounds in 5 months before this cycle, and I have only gained 1 pound back, so I am hoping I will be able to lose the rest of the weight in 6-7 months. That is about a pound and a half a week, totally do-able.
I was thinking about doing the South Beach Diet, but I know myself, and I know I would not be able to do a diet that cuts out an entire food group. Plus after the initial carb-less two weeks, there is a huge emphasis on whole grains, which would not be good for Crohn's. And the good old Crohn's has been treating me really well lately, so I don't want to mess with that. Instead I am going to stick with sparkpeople.
I started back up at the gym today, and have decided that starting next week I will be working out twice a day. I will go to the gym and either run/bike/do a class in the mornings then after work do either yoga or the 30 Day Shred in the evenings. Hopefully that will push things along at a nice clip.
My hope is that we will be able to get IVF rolling by Easter. I actually kind of like the idea of not cycling during the winter. I hated having to trek for an hour through the snow just to get bloodwork or an ultrasound.
I also decided I am not going to keep track of my cycles this break. I tried on our last break, and it was just annoying and obviously it isn't going to help anything, so I am just going to chill, focus on getting as healthy as is humanly possible. That's my plan and I am sticking to it.
So our plan from here is to take another break. I am now convinced we will not get PG through anything other than IVF. Sometimes I even wonder if that will do it for us. I have about 40 pounds to lose before we can start IVF. I lost about 30 pounds in 5 months before this cycle, and I have only gained 1 pound back, so I am hoping I will be able to lose the rest of the weight in 6-7 months. That is about a pound and a half a week, totally do-able.
I was thinking about doing the South Beach Diet, but I know myself, and I know I would not be able to do a diet that cuts out an entire food group. Plus after the initial carb-less two weeks, there is a huge emphasis on whole grains, which would not be good for Crohn's. And the good old Crohn's has been treating me really well lately, so I don't want to mess with that. Instead I am going to stick with sparkpeople.
I started back up at the gym today, and have decided that starting next week I will be working out twice a day. I will go to the gym and either run/bike/do a class in the mornings then after work do either yoga or the 30 Day Shred in the evenings. Hopefully that will push things along at a nice clip.
My hope is that we will be able to get IVF rolling by Easter. I actually kind of like the idea of not cycling during the winter. I hated having to trek for an hour through the snow just to get bloodwork or an ultrasound.
I also decided I am not going to keep track of my cycles this break. I tried on our last break, and it was just annoying and obviously it isn't going to help anything, so I am just going to chill, focus on getting as healthy as is humanly possible. That's my plan and I am sticking to it.
Saturday, September 4, 2010
Here We Go....
Well this cycle went much faster than I expected. After only four days of stims I am triggered, and early tomorrow morning we will go in for our first of two back to back inseminations. I am so excited and hopeful I can't even describe it.
In total I have six follicles, but only three have the possibility of being mature enough to factor into this cycle. I had three on the right all measuring around 10mm. These are the three that will not be mature enough. I also have three on the left. One is at 18.5mm, one at 15mm, and the last at 14mm. Typically a follicle grows between 1-2mm per day, they need to be over 17mm for them to be considered mature. So it is possible that those two smaller ones will be mature enough to release by ovulation time. This is the best result we could have asked for with this cycle. We wanted two to three mature follies at ovulation, and that is what we got.
I am trying as hard as I can not to get my expectations too high, but it is very hard. I will admit I have been looking at baby stuff a lot more this week than i usually do. It doesn't help that I have a baby shower to go to next weekend and my nephew's birthday is coming up soon. But I don't just look at stuff for other people's kids, I look at stuff for our kids. I look at the things I would want for our babies. I imagine how i will tell people we are pregnant, and how our house would be with a baby around. I can't stop my mind from wandering to those places. And honestly I don't want to stop it. I will worry about the fall out later if this cycle doesn't work.
In total I have six follicles, but only three have the possibility of being mature enough to factor into this cycle. I had three on the right all measuring around 10mm. These are the three that will not be mature enough. I also have three on the left. One is at 18.5mm, one at 15mm, and the last at 14mm. Typically a follicle grows between 1-2mm per day, they need to be over 17mm for them to be considered mature. So it is possible that those two smaller ones will be mature enough to release by ovulation time. This is the best result we could have asked for with this cycle. We wanted two to three mature follies at ovulation, and that is what we got.
I am trying as hard as I can not to get my expectations too high, but it is very hard. I will admit I have been looking at baby stuff a lot more this week than i usually do. It doesn't help that I have a baby shower to go to next weekend and my nephew's birthday is coming up soon. But I don't just look at stuff for other people's kids, I look at stuff for our kids. I look at the things I would want for our babies. I imagine how i will tell people we are pregnant, and how our house would be with a baby around. I can't stop my mind from wandering to those places. And honestly I don't want to stop it. I will worry about the fall out later if this cycle doesn't work.
Monday, August 30, 2010
I Love This Part
The starting part, when everything is possible and hope abounds. I get to start stims tonight. Finally. It feels like it has taken forever to get here, but in actuality it has only taken two or three weeks. After the horrible Lupron allergic reaction I waited patiently for Aunt Flow to come visit. And like a good guest she showed up right on time, much to my surprise. Of coarse with her came a chest rattling cough, but we can't have everything. So once good old AF got here I went in for the normal baseline bloodwork and ultrasound. The only thing off was my E2 (estradiol) levels, which were a little high. So in order to get them to come down I had to inject a drug called Ganirlex for two nights.
I just got the call that my levels are back with in normal range which means tonight I get to start the drug that will hopefully get my eggs a growing, Gonal F. I am beyond excited right now. I am thrilled. I have hope oozing out of every pore in my body. And it scares the crap out of me. As much as I love this beginning point when everything is possible, I am petrified of what comes in three weeks time. After all the injections, ultrasounds, bloodwork, inseminations and waiting comes the reality. And reality has consistently bitten me in the behind. I can guarantee one thing: in three weeks there will be tears. We just have to wait and see if they will be tears of joy or depression.
I just got the call that my levels are back with in normal range which means tonight I get to start the drug that will hopefully get my eggs a growing, Gonal F. I am beyond excited right now. I am thrilled. I have hope oozing out of every pore in my body. And it scares the crap out of me. As much as I love this beginning point when everything is possible, I am petrified of what comes in three weeks time. After all the injections, ultrasounds, bloodwork, inseminations and waiting comes the reality. And reality has consistently bitten me in the behind. I can guarantee one thing: in three weeks there will be tears. We just have to wait and see if they will be tears of joy or depression.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
On the Road Again...
The road of fertility treatments that is. After a five month break we are back! And so are the hot flashes. Last night I gave myself my first Lupron injection. It wasn't too bad. I had one slight moment of hesitation before the plunge, but once I sucked it up I was fine. The needle does look a little bigger than my Ovidrel injections which intimidated me a little bit.
The really sucky part came about a half hour after the injection when I got hit full force with a hot flash that put the Clomid hot flashes to shame. I thought my face was on fire. I was so freaking hot I had to put our window a/c unit on full force despite the fact that it is leaking into our bedroom. But I got through it, and I am feeling pretty good today. I am not looking forward to going through that at work tonight though.
Here is the plan for this cycle: 20cc of Lupron for the next week or until I get my period, then I go in for baseline bloodwork and an ultrasound to get an Antral Follicle count (basically a count of the eggs that are ready to start growing before we start to stim them). Depending on how all the baseline tests come back we will start Gonal F (probably 75 iu) on cd 3 and we will step down the Lupron to 10cc which will prevent me from ovulating before I am ready. I will go in every two days for ultrasound follicle checks, when they see the follicles are around 18-20mm then I will do the Ovidrel trigger shot. We are going to do back to back inseminations this time around. The first will be 36 hours after the trigger shot and the second will be twenty four hours after that. If I get more than three or four follicles we will cancel the cycle since I have no desire to have a TLC show.
I must admit that my hopes are way, way, waaaaay to high. I haven't even started stimming yet and I am already pretty much convinced that this has to work. I need to get my emotions and hopes in check because if it doesn't work there is going to be an emotional break down of epic proportions.
The really sucky part came about a half hour after the injection when I got hit full force with a hot flash that put the Clomid hot flashes to shame. I thought my face was on fire. I was so freaking hot I had to put our window a/c unit on full force despite the fact that it is leaking into our bedroom. But I got through it, and I am feeling pretty good today. I am not looking forward to going through that at work tonight though.
Here is the plan for this cycle: 20cc of Lupron for the next week or until I get my period, then I go in for baseline bloodwork and an ultrasound to get an Antral Follicle count (basically a count of the eggs that are ready to start growing before we start to stim them). Depending on how all the baseline tests come back we will start Gonal F (probably 75 iu) on cd 3 and we will step down the Lupron to 10cc which will prevent me from ovulating before I am ready. I will go in every two days for ultrasound follicle checks, when they see the follicles are around 18-20mm then I will do the Ovidrel trigger shot. We are going to do back to back inseminations this time around. The first will be 36 hours after the trigger shot and the second will be twenty four hours after that. If I get more than three or four follicles we will cancel the cycle since I have no desire to have a TLC show.
I must admit that my hopes are way, way, waaaaay to high. I haven't even started stimming yet and I am already pretty much convinced that this has to work. I need to get my emotions and hopes in check because if it doesn't work there is going to be an emotional break down of epic proportions.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Yay... about to start up again!!!
First a couple pieces of good news on the weight loss front. Thanks to the last four days of being sick and barely being able to eat I am now down 25 pounds since April! And I went to my GI doc yesterday (everything on the Crohn's front is fine) and since my last check up with him i have lost 33 pounds! yay! I must say as much as I am annoyed with my body right now I am pretty proud that I am still doing so well with the weight loss. I can't remember the last time I was down to this weight.
Onto the fertile front... I had my consult with Dr. F today. We are not going to do a lap. He said that based off what I have told him about my symptoms, if I do have endo it would be a pretty minor case. It said that the Remicade infusions actually probably help with Endo if i do have it, so the only good a lap would do is to remove endo if I do have it, and that would only help if I planned on doing a lot more IUIs.
Instead we only want to do 1 more IUI. I don't want to waste all my insurance coverage on IUIs. So we are moving onto injectables starting the end of August/beginning of September. When I get my next period in about two weeks I will call the RE's office and go in for a lesson on giving myself injections. Then around cd 22 I will start Lupron to suppress my ovaries, then when I get my period again I will start with either follistom or Gonal-F and we will continue that until it is time to trigger. The goal will be to produce 3 good sized follies. If we get over 5 he will cancel our cycle.
If this IUI doesn't work than that is it for IUIs. Hopefully we would be able to start IVF in January or February. It all depends on whether or not I keep up my current rate of weight loss. I am really hopeful for this IUI though. I trying not to get too excited, but i can't help it. I have been completely hopeless for the past four months, I just want to have some hope back.
Onto the fertile front... I had my consult with Dr. F today. We are not going to do a lap. He said that based off what I have told him about my symptoms, if I do have endo it would be a pretty minor case. It said that the Remicade infusions actually probably help with Endo if i do have it, so the only good a lap would do is to remove endo if I do have it, and that would only help if I planned on doing a lot more IUIs.
Instead we only want to do 1 more IUI. I don't want to waste all my insurance coverage on IUIs. So we are moving onto injectables starting the end of August/beginning of September. When I get my next period in about two weeks I will call the RE's office and go in for a lesson on giving myself injections. Then around cd 22 I will start Lupron to suppress my ovaries, then when I get my period again I will start with either follistom or Gonal-F and we will continue that until it is time to trigger. The goal will be to produce 3 good sized follies. If we get over 5 he will cancel our cycle.
If this IUI doesn't work than that is it for IUIs. Hopefully we would be able to start IVF in January or February. It all depends on whether or not I keep up my current rate of weight loss. I am really hopeful for this IUI though. I trying not to get too excited, but i can't help it. I have been completely hopeless for the past four months, I just want to have some hope back.
Friday, June 18, 2010
Holy crap, could it be?
Could I be ovulating on my own, with no medical help at all? Some signs point to yes. I have been contemplating going to get some Ovulation Predictor Kits because I have been feeling twitches in the ovarian area for a couple days now. But then I thought it might just be gas too, because when I have Crohn's related pain it is in the same basic area.
But then today I went to the bathroom and I had EWCM!!! Just a tiny little bit, but unmistakable. For those who don't know (all two or three of you) EWCM is egg white cervical mucus. Basically it is when you have a discharge that looks like egg whites. It is one of the signs that you are approaching ovulation, and it helps protect sperm on it's way to the egg. I haven't had EWCM ever that I can remember, other than once with my last IUI cycle.
I am not counting my eggs before they ovulate though. I still have no clue if anything real is going on in there. Plus, we did three IUIs that were perfect on paper. Had a strong follie, great sperm count, timing was good. And obviously I still didn't get PG. But I am definitely going to get some OPKs today. And if it turns out I am ovulating on my own, you can be sure I will be seducing The Hubs this weekend, I don't care how tired he is. If there is even the slightest of chances I will give it a shot.
But then today I went to the bathroom and I had EWCM!!! Just a tiny little bit, but unmistakable. For those who don't know (all two or three of you) EWCM is egg white cervical mucus. Basically it is when you have a discharge that looks like egg whites. It is one of the signs that you are approaching ovulation, and it helps protect sperm on it's way to the egg. I haven't had EWCM ever that I can remember, other than once with my last IUI cycle.
I am not counting my eggs before they ovulate though. I still have no clue if anything real is going on in there. Plus, we did three IUIs that were perfect on paper. Had a strong follie, great sperm count, timing was good. And obviously I still didn't get PG. But I am definitely going to get some OPKs today. And if it turns out I am ovulating on my own, you can be sure I will be seducing The Hubs this weekend, I don't care how tired he is. If there is even the slightest of chances I will give it a shot.
Friday, April 16, 2010
The Ups and Downs of Being on a Break
I really thought I was going to hate this whole break thing, but so far it hasn't been as bad as I thought it would. Granted it has only been a couple weeks since my last cycle ended. In honor of my Mom and I am going to make a list of the good and bad things about being on a break. My Mom loves lists. Especially Pro/Con lists. She has been known to make Pro/Con lists about my sisters and my boyfriends in the past.
Cons of Being on a Break
- The knowledge that I will not have a baby in my arms for at least another year to two years (if at all)
- The feeling of helplessness and uselessness
- Feeling like I am standing still and making no progress with anything in my life, not just fertility
- The hope that creeps in that maybe I will be one of the lucky few who get a surprise pregnancy during a break cycle
Pros of Being on a Break
- The sex! Seriously the sex lately has been insane. I know, I know, TMI. But now that we don't have to worry about when the IUI will be and worrying about the hubsters sperm counts being good it is like we just started dating again. For heaven's sake we did it THREE times in one night last week. It was crazy! If it wasn't for hubby's schedule right now I am fairly certain we would be doing it every other night, if not every night.
- I am not wasting gas on weekly drives to the RE's office an hour away
- No hot flashes from the Clomid
- No giving my self trigger injections in random bathrooms
- No crazy mood swings
- No dildo cam dates
- Sushi
- Booze
- Did I mention the sex?
I am happy to say the pros list is longer than the cons list. But I would give everything single thing up on the pros list if it meant I could get pregnant right now.
Cons of Being on a Break
- The knowledge that I will not have a baby in my arms for at least another year to two years (if at all)
- The feeling of helplessness and uselessness
- Feeling like I am standing still and making no progress with anything in my life, not just fertility
- The hope that creeps in that maybe I will be one of the lucky few who get a surprise pregnancy during a break cycle
Pros of Being on a Break
- The sex! Seriously the sex lately has been insane. I know, I know, TMI. But now that we don't have to worry about when the IUI will be and worrying about the hubsters sperm counts being good it is like we just started dating again. For heaven's sake we did it THREE times in one night last week. It was crazy! If it wasn't for hubby's schedule right now I am fairly certain we would be doing it every other night, if not every night.
- I am not wasting gas on weekly drives to the RE's office an hour away
- No hot flashes from the Clomid
- No giving my self trigger injections in random bathrooms
- No crazy mood swings
- No dildo cam dates
- Sushi
- Booze
- Did I mention the sex?
I am happy to say the pros list is longer than the cons list. But I would give everything single thing up on the pros list if it meant I could get pregnant right now.
Monday, April 5, 2010
Got the call...
It was negative. As I knew it would be, but I am still sitting here crying. I really thought when we started doing the IUIs that it would be easy. I thought I would be one and done. Three tries and still nothing. So we are officially on a break. I just have no words for how sad I am.
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Next Step....
Well my last home pregnancy test is gone and it was another negative. I have accepted that this didn't work. I am 13 dpIUI so it is pretty much a done deal. I am still going in on Monday for the blood test just to confirm, and I will also be doing the glucose test that day. But I know that the blood work is going to come back negative and the glucose test is going to come back normal. So onward.
After much crying this morning when I had to tell my husband that we weren't pregnant we agreed that it was best to take a break now. His schedule is insane while he is training for his new job and still working full time at the current job, so we aren't even sure he would be able to fit in more cycles until he officially changes jobs. Plus I am not one to keep trying the same thing over and over and expect different results. We need to do something new. But since Dr. F doesn't use Femara and doesn't want me to start injectables until I have lost at least 10% of my body weight we are kinda out of options for now. I am still going to schedule a consult with him so that we can talk specific BMI goals. I am not good with just lose weight and we will see. I need a goal that I can work towards and keep my eye on.
Right now my goal is to lose 40 pounds by August and then try an injectables IUI, that may change after I talk to Dr. F. Hubby's schedule should be stabilized by then so we shouldn't have any scheduling issues. If after one or two injectable cycles we are still not pregnant we will take another break to lose the remainder of the weight and move onto IVF. I am looking into going on Meridia (an appetite suppressant) to help along my weight loss. We shall see what my GI doc says about that.
So wish me luck in my new hard core weight journey. This blog is going to get a whole lot more weight and Crohn's talk and not so much fertility and baking talk. Sorry.
After much crying this morning when I had to tell my husband that we weren't pregnant we agreed that it was best to take a break now. His schedule is insane while he is training for his new job and still working full time at the current job, so we aren't even sure he would be able to fit in more cycles until he officially changes jobs. Plus I am not one to keep trying the same thing over and over and expect different results. We need to do something new. But since Dr. F doesn't use Femara and doesn't want me to start injectables until I have lost at least 10% of my body weight we are kinda out of options for now. I am still going to schedule a consult with him so that we can talk specific BMI goals. I am not good with just lose weight and we will see. I need a goal that I can work towards and keep my eye on.
Right now my goal is to lose 40 pounds by August and then try an injectables IUI, that may change after I talk to Dr. F. Hubby's schedule should be stabilized by then so we shouldn't have any scheduling issues. If after one or two injectable cycles we are still not pregnant we will take another break to lose the remainder of the weight and move onto IVF. I am looking into going on Meridia (an appetite suppressant) to help along my weight loss. We shall see what my GI doc says about that.
So wish me luck in my new hard core weight journey. This blog is going to get a whole lot more weight and Crohn's talk and not so much fertility and baking talk. Sorry.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Trying to hold it together...
I am 11 days post IUI and I tested this morning. Twice. Both negative. It could still be early, but I am so disappointed. I had comepletely convinced myself that this had worked and I was pregnant. I have had some of the classic symptoms; nipple soreness, nausea that kinda comes and goes, weird cramping in the general uterus area, needing to pee more often, and being really tired. But the truth is all those things can be explained away by the massive amounts of progesterone I am taking and the fact that I am trying to lose weight and have been chugging water like there is no tomorrow.
I was so excited last night to wake up this morning and test because I was sure it would be positive. I think I slept a total of four hours. Then I started having crazy nightmares too. So now there is a fairly big possibility that I am not pregnant, and I am so tired I will most likely be a giant biotch all day.
I decided I am not going to test again until Saturday. I will test Saturday and Sunday and then Monday is my blood test to confirm. I may also do some baking this weekend for Easter to distract myself.
I was so excited last night to wake up this morning and test because I was sure it would be positive. I think I slept a total of four hours. Then I started having crazy nightmares too. So now there is a fairly big possibility that I am not pregnant, and I am so tired I will most likely be a giant biotch all day.
I decided I am not going to test again until Saturday. I will test Saturday and Sunday and then Monday is my blood test to confirm. I may also do some baking this weekend for Easter to distract myself.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Who wants to play the guessing game!
Because that is all I have been doing for the past three days.
I had a cramp on my right side, Could it be implantation?
I am nauseous, early morning sickness?
I got a pimple, oh no early AF warning?
I am exhausted, hurry google whatit means!
Yea I think I have officially crossed over into crazy town.
Five days until I start testing and I can stop with the guessing games. I am also going on tuesday morning to get a Glucose test. I think it was called the 1 hour fasting test. So we shall see what that turns up. If it comes back abnormal I may be starting a new drug, if not then I am either doing one more cycle with the same protocal or I am taking a break. We shall see.
I had a cramp on my right side, Could it be implantation?
I am nauseous, early morning sickness?
I got a pimple, oh no early AF warning?
I am exhausted, hurry google whatit means!
Yea I think I have officially crossed over into crazy town.
Five days until I start testing and I can stop with the guessing games. I am also going on tuesday morning to get a Glucose test. I think it was called the 1 hour fasting test. So we shall see what that turns up. If it comes back abnormal I may be starting a new drug, if not then I am either doing one more cycle with the same protocal or I am taking a break. We shall see.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
IUI # 3 Complete...
We went to our third IUI this morning at the crack of dawn and it went really well. My cervix wasn't nearly as b*tchy as it normally is which was nice. The hubinators sperm count rocked. Post wash it was 47 million, which is 2 million more than the last cycle.
I have a very very good feeling about this cycle. I feel like we got the timing perfect, I have been having pain on my right ovary area all day, which I am hoping is my ovulation pain, and there are tons of swimmers to meet the egg when it gets released. Plus my RE decided to put me on the progesterone supplements earlier this cycle. Normally I don't take them until 7 dpIUI when I get my blood work. But he said since my P2 level has been low for three cycles in a row we are going to assume I have an issue there and treat it early. So I will be on 200mg of Prometrium vaginally three times a day until the pregnancy test. Nothing quite as fun as shoving a little pill in your nether regions while at work.
On a funny note, I couldn't stop thinking about the special that was on the NeoGeo channel last week "Sizing Up Sperm" the whole time we were at the RE's. The show basically showed what the journey of sperm was like if they were the size of humans, it was actually pretty interesting. I kept envisioning the people that they used as sperm in the show getting washed in the centrifuge, or all the people crowded into the cath for the procedure. It actually kinda freaked me out. I mentioned this to my RE right after he did the insemination and he thought it was hilarious. So now I feel like I have a bunch of little people running around in my Uterus. Let's hope they find their target!
I have a very very good feeling about this cycle. I feel like we got the timing perfect, I have been having pain on my right ovary area all day, which I am hoping is my ovulation pain, and there are tons of swimmers to meet the egg when it gets released. Plus my RE decided to put me on the progesterone supplements earlier this cycle. Normally I don't take them until 7 dpIUI when I get my blood work. But he said since my P2 level has been low for three cycles in a row we are going to assume I have an issue there and treat it early. So I will be on 200mg of Prometrium vaginally three times a day until the pregnancy test. Nothing quite as fun as shoving a little pill in your nether regions while at work.
On a funny note, I couldn't stop thinking about the special that was on the NeoGeo channel last week "Sizing Up Sperm" the whole time we were at the RE's. The show basically showed what the journey of sperm was like if they were the size of humans, it was actually pretty interesting. I kept envisioning the people that they used as sperm in the show getting washed in the centrifuge, or all the people crowded into the cath for the procedure. It actually kinda freaked me out. I mentioned this to my RE right after he did the insemination and he thought it was hilarious. So now I feel like I have a bunch of little people running around in my Uterus. Let's hope they find their target!
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Can't Sleep....
My IUI is in 4 hours and I can't sleep. I fell asleep at about 1am and woke up again at 2:15 am. I was so sure when I woke up that it was going to be time to get up and get going. Now I can't get back to sleep. It partly nerves I know. The procedure is super easy (just like a pap only my cervix likes to be stupid) I am just pertrified I am getting my hopes up too much. I want this to work so much. I keep visualizing how I will react when I get the news that I am PG, or how I will tell my family. I even daydream about giving birth and sleepless nights. Which is kinda ironic.
I envy my husband so much! He is upstairs right now snoaring away, not a care in the world. He gets to wake up roll over do his buisness and he just has to go along for the ride the rest of the day. Sometimes being a dude does seem so much simpler.
I envy my husband so much! He is upstairs right now snoaring away, not a care in the world. He gets to wake up roll over do his buisness and he just has to go along for the ride the rest of the day. Sometimes being a dude does seem so much simpler.
Friday, March 19, 2010
For the few who don't know...
So I know that most people that follow me (all 19 of you!) know what a trigger shot is, but I figured those of you who don't might like a little more info. Let me set the scene for you:
It is 7:30 pm on a Friday night. I am at work, I have no choice but to do the injection in the work bathroom. So I stuff the box into my purse and slink through the hallways.
Once in the bathroom I get a huge length of paper towels and lay it on the back of the toilet tank. I open the box to find a little plastic sleeve with a pre-filled syringe. 
Inside this little syringe is a pre-determined amount of Ovidrel. The best description I have found for what a trigger does is "Ovidrel PreFilled Syringe is used in fertility treatment cycles to help follicles mature and trigger the release of mature eggs from a woman's ovaries."
It is a subcutaneous (just under the skin) injection. The actual injection really isn't that bad b/c it is such a small needle. Barely bigger than my pinkie finger nail. 
Once everything is all lined up on the back of the toilet I tuck my shirt into my bra and fold my jeans down. I will spare you the pics of my bare belly. Next I clean an area about an inch from my belly button with an alcohol swap. Then I squeeze the injection area between two fingers, inject the needle into the skin and squeeze the plunger on the syringe. Withdraw the needle and let go of the skin. TaDa! I am triggered! And I did it with out any of my fellow co-workers finding out that I just shot up in the bathroom.
Now in exactly 34.5 hours my wonderful and understanding hubby with do his thang into a cup, we will rush to the fertility clinic with the specimen tucked safely between my legs to keep it warm. Once we arrive the lab tech will wash the sample so that all that is left are my hubby's very best sperm, and exactly 36 hours after the injection they will use his washed sperm to inseminate me.
Let's hope I never have to do a post like this for intramuscular injections because this cycle will work!!! (see that is me being optimistic)
It is 7:30 pm on a Friday night. I am at work, I have no choice but to do the injection in the work bathroom. So I stuff the box into my purse and slink through the hallways.
Once in the bathroom I get a huge length of paper towels and lay it on the back of the toilet tank. I open the box to find a little plastic sleeve with a pre-filled syringe. 
Inside this little syringe is a pre-determined amount of Ovidrel. The best description I have found for what a trigger does is "Ovidrel PreFilled Syringe is used in fertility treatment cycles to help follicles mature and trigger the release of mature eggs from a woman's ovaries."
It is a subcutaneous (just under the skin) injection. The actual injection really isn't that bad b/c it is such a small needle. Barely bigger than my pinkie finger nail. 
Once everything is all lined up on the back of the toilet I tuck my shirt into my bra and fold my jeans down. I will spare you the pics of my bare belly. Next I clean an area about an inch from my belly button with an alcohol swap. Then I squeeze the injection area between two fingers, inject the needle into the skin and squeeze the plunger on the syringe. Withdraw the needle and let go of the skin. TaDa! I am triggered! And I did it with out any of my fellow co-workers finding out that I just shot up in the bathroom. Now in exactly 34.5 hours my wonderful and understanding hubby with do his thang into a cup, we will rush to the fertility clinic with the specimen tucked safely between my legs to keep it warm. Once we arrive the lab tech will wash the sample so that all that is left are my hubby's very best sperm, and exactly 36 hours after the injection they will use his washed sperm to inseminate me.
Let's hope I never have to do a post like this for intramuscular injections because this cycle will work!!! (see that is me being optimistic)
Yay!!! Good Follie Check!
Finally I get to post about something good! I had my follie check for IUI#3 today. I am on cd9 and I have one follicle on the right measuring at 20mm and one on the left at 16mm. The RN doesn't think the smaller one on the left will factor in, which is fine with me, it only takes one!
I will be doing the trigger shot tonight and the IUI will be Sunday morning at 7am, ouch that is early. I am so happy I insisted on coming in for the ultrasound today instead of Monday. Monday may have been too late.
The timing of this thing actually works perfectly. I was really worried all week that the IUI would be Wednesday or Thursday, which would have been tough because the hubster is starting his training for his new job this week. His training goes from 8am - noon Monday - Friday and he still has to work from 2pm - midnight Wednesday - Saturday. So trying to fit an insemination in there would have been rough.
I am oddly optimistic about this cycle. The timing just seems so perfect, plus if I got PG on this cycle I would be due right around the hubinator's b-day. I have said stuff like this before though and it hasn't worked out, but I just have a very good feeling, and I am going to try and keep up the positive additude for the rest of this cycle. No more negative Chrissy! I am going to give this cycle every chance I can, even if it means being annoyingly upbeat.
I will be doing the trigger shot tonight and the IUI will be Sunday morning at 7am, ouch that is early. I am so happy I insisted on coming in for the ultrasound today instead of Monday. Monday may have been too late.
The timing of this thing actually works perfectly. I was really worried all week that the IUI would be Wednesday or Thursday, which would have been tough because the hubster is starting his training for his new job this week. His training goes from 8am - noon Monday - Friday and he still has to work from 2pm - midnight Wednesday - Saturday. So trying to fit an insemination in there would have been rough.
I am oddly optimistic about this cycle. The timing just seems so perfect, plus if I got PG on this cycle I would be due right around the hubinator's b-day. I have said stuff like this before though and it hasn't worked out, but I just have a very good feeling, and I am going to try and keep up the positive additude for the rest of this cycle. No more negative Chrissy! I am going to give this cycle every chance I can, even if it means being annoyingly upbeat.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
So over being sick....
So this is going to be one big whiny post. Feel free to skip it. I have a wicked head cold. My head is killing me, my nose is totally clogged, and my sinuses are clogged. Add to that I am having "stomach issues." I have been nauseous all day, and I can't find my anti-nausea meds, so that sucks too. And to pile even more suckiness onto the heaping pile of suckiness, I am on my fourth day of Clomid and my hot flashes are insane. And let me tell you hot flashes + fever = misery.
I am so pissed because I wanted to get back into working out this week, but I can't workout when it is this hard to breathe. I haven't worked out since before my last insemination, I am always way too nervous to workout during the 2ww. I am petrified that if I do something the slightest bit wrong in that fourteen days I will not get pregnant. So i don't drink caffeine, don't drink booze, don't workout, and very rarely have sex in the two weeks after the IUI. As a result I haven't lost any weight in a while. I am sticking to my diet pretty well (with the exception of this weekend) but I am standing still. But all I have done the past two days is sit on the couch, watch Alias episodes and eat soup.
It is so discouraging, because I know I won't be able to move on to the next level of treatment without losing all this extra weight I have gotten since college. The thought that I won't get pregnant because of my own weakness and inability to control my weight is on my mind all the time, which isn't helping the sinus headache any.
I am so pissed because I wanted to get back into working out this week, but I can't workout when it is this hard to breathe. I haven't worked out since before my last insemination, I am always way too nervous to workout during the 2ww. I am petrified that if I do something the slightest bit wrong in that fourteen days I will not get pregnant. So i don't drink caffeine, don't drink booze, don't workout, and very rarely have sex in the two weeks after the IUI. As a result I haven't lost any weight in a while. I am sticking to my diet pretty well (with the exception of this weekend) but I am standing still. But all I have done the past two days is sit on the couch, watch Alias episodes and eat soup.
It is so discouraging, because I know I won't be able to move on to the next level of treatment without losing all this extra weight I have gotten since college. The thought that I won't get pregnant because of my own weakness and inability to control my weight is on my mind all the time, which isn't helping the sinus headache any.
Monday, March 8, 2010
Nope not yet...
I had my official blood test today for IUI#2 Take 3. And as suspected (well really confirmed after 6 home pregnancy tests) I am not pregnant. Even with the 6 HPTs all being negative, hearing the nurse's sad voice when I picked up the phone was just awful. I wanted to hang up on her right away so I wouldn't have to hear her say the standard negative speech. "Hi Chrissy, I am sorry to say I don't have good news. You aren't pregnant." The same exact words she said the first time she ever called me with bad news.
I thought I was so prepared for this, but i am just crushed. I thought once both my tubes were open it would be easy-peasy to get PG. Apparently not so much. So the hubs and I have spent all day running errands and doing house renovation work to keep my mind off of it. But I keep going back to the same bad thought; what if it never happens?
The plan for the next cycle is exactly the same as this one. 150mg Clomid starting cycle day 3, follie check on cd 10, and hopefully trigger and IUI somewhere around cd 14. I just have to wait for good old Aunt Flow to show her face so we can get it rolling. I am also going to set up a consultation with my RE to talk about doing an injectables IUI if this one doesn't work. If the injectables doesn't work either than I am going to take an extended break to focus completely on losing weight and then hopefully start IVF in July or August.
So here we go, medicated cycle #7 and IUI #3 are just around the corner. ::sigh::
I thought I was so prepared for this, but i am just crushed. I thought once both my tubes were open it would be easy-peasy to get PG. Apparently not so much. So the hubs and I have spent all day running errands and doing house renovation work to keep my mind off of it. But I keep going back to the same bad thought; what if it never happens?
The plan for the next cycle is exactly the same as this one. 150mg Clomid starting cycle day 3, follie check on cd 10, and hopefully trigger and IUI somewhere around cd 14. I just have to wait for good old Aunt Flow to show her face so we can get it rolling. I am also going to set up a consultation with my RE to talk about doing an injectables IUI if this one doesn't work. If the injectables doesn't work either than I am going to take an extended break to focus completely on losing weight and then hopefully start IVF in July or August.
So here we go, medicated cycle #7 and IUI #3 are just around the corner. ::sigh::
Thursday, March 4, 2010
My emotions are getting the better of me....
I am crying at literally everything. The most insane things are making me sad. for instance I got dressed this afternoon and head out to work with my hubby (we don't need to be at work till 2pm) and I notice after I get to work that I have a not incignificant sized stain on my shirt from the chocolate bar the hubbster got me, and I start crying. Over a stain. I also cried today because I feel like I am being snappy with my husband, which I hate because I love him so much, and I don't want to be a pissy wife. And now I am crying again. At work.
I am not sure if it is all hormones either. I am sure they play a part. Mostly I think it is just sadness at another failed cycle. I know it isn't official until I get the blood work. But I pretty much already know that this cycle didn't work. I have taken three home pregnancy tests now and all three of them have been negative. I am only 12 days post IUI right now, so it is still early, but I just know that the results aren't going to change no matter how many days I do them. Monday I have my appointment to go get my blood test, and I am dreading the call I will get from the nurse telling me I am not pregnant. She is such a nice lady and she has the best bad news voice, but hearing the words make it so final. No more hope, it is just over.
On a side note, I think I am doing well with the weight loss, but don't know for sure b/c our dog broke my scale. But my jeans are loser so that is a good sign. Plus the low fiber diet is doing wonders for my Crohns, I haven't had even a tiny bit of pain or nausea since I have been sticking to the low fiber thing. So at least one thing is going my way.
I am not sure if it is all hormones either. I am sure they play a part. Mostly I think it is just sadness at another failed cycle. I know it isn't official until I get the blood work. But I pretty much already know that this cycle didn't work. I have taken three home pregnancy tests now and all three of them have been negative. I am only 12 days post IUI right now, so it is still early, but I just know that the results aren't going to change no matter how many days I do them. Monday I have my appointment to go get my blood test, and I am dreading the call I will get from the nurse telling me I am not pregnant. She is such a nice lady and she has the best bad news voice, but hearing the words make it so final. No more hope, it is just over.
On a side note, I think I am doing well with the weight loss, but don't know for sure b/c our dog broke my scale. But my jeans are loser so that is a good sign. Plus the low fiber diet is doing wonders for my Crohns, I haven't had even a tiny bit of pain or nausea since I have been sticking to the low fiber thing. So at least one thing is going my way.
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