My emotions are getting the better of me....

I am crying at literally everything. The most insane things are making me sad. for instance I got dressed this afternoon and head out to work with my hubby (we don't need to be at work till 2pm) and I notice after I get to work that I have a not incignificant sized stain on my shirt from the chocolate bar the hubbster got me, and I start crying. Over a stain. I also cried today because I feel like I am being snappy with my husband, which I hate because I love him so much, and I don't want to be a pissy wife. And now I am crying again. At work.

I am not sure if it is all hormones either. I am sure they play a part. Mostly I think it is just sadness at another failed cycle. I know it isn't official until I get the blood work. But I pretty much already know that this cycle didn't work. I have taken three home pregnancy tests now and all three of them have been negative. I am only 12 days post IUI right now, so it is still early, but I just know that the results aren't going to change no matter how many days I do them. Monday I have my appointment to go get my blood test, and I am dreading the call I will get from the nurse telling me I am not pregnant. She is such a nice lady and she has the best bad news voice, but hearing the words make it so final. No more hope, it is just over.

On a side note, I think I am doing well with the weight loss, but don't know for sure b/c our dog broke my scale. But my jeans are loser so that is a good sign. Plus the low fiber diet is doing wonders for my Crohns, I haven't had even a tiny bit of pain or nausea since I have been sticking to the low fiber thing. So at least one thing is going my way.

Here we go again...

I started Medicated Round #6 this month. I took my first Clomid pill yesterday, now I am just patiently waiting for the hot flashes and crazies to come a sneaking in. So the plan is that on Tuesday the 16th I will be having my tubal recannulization. I am pretty nervous about the procedure. Apparently it will take about an hour to an hour and a half to complete the whole procedure. The thing I am most scared about is the waking sedation. I know that most people do not realize what is happening during the procedure and don't remember it afterwards either, but I am very nervous that I will be one of the few who realizes what is going on.

I am also very scared that the procedure will not work. It didn't seem like my RE or RN were very confident about the whole thing, and this is our last shot before IVF. I keep having these dreams where I am on an operating table and the doctor has cut open my stomach and is shaking his head saying, "nope this is never going to work."

I thought the Summer of Crohn's, as i like to call it, was hard. That was nothing compared to this hell. The Winter of Infertility. I may not be in as much pain physically right now, but emotionally and mentally it is ten times worse. With the Crohn's stuff I knew that the medicine they gave me would fix me, for at least a little while. I don't have that certainty now, and it is hard not knowing what is going to happen. The thought of never having children is with me everyday, and I just can't shake it. I try and act up-beat and optimistic, but really I feel like nothing will ever work. I may never get to bounce my baby to sleep, or do homework at the dining room table, or kiss boo boos. And that thought just plain sucks.

So let's hope that something goes right for once and my right tube opens up on Tuesday, and I have at least two eggs growing on the right ovary, and nothing else bad happens. Cause I am really not sure how much more crying I can take.