I am at work right now, and I should be actually doing work. But these days my brain is moving a mile a minute, and it is never about work. We all know what it is about. The thing that has been consuming my life for the past two and a half years. Getting pregnant.
I had a little scare this week, which isn't quite over yet. Thursday I thought I felt the beginnings of a Crohn's flare up coming on. I had stomach pain and I was having problems going #2. But after almost two whole days on a mostly liquid diet I am feeling much better. I have an appointment with my GI doctor on Monday just to make sure everything is ok, because I am a nervous nelly right now. I was convinced it would turn into a full blown flare and ruin our plans to start IVF in two weeks (two weeks!).
I stayed home from work yesterday to try and relax, and honestly it is hard to concentrate on anything when all you have eaten is soup and protein shakes. While I was home I started reminiscing about our journey so far. I went back and read the whole blog, except the parts involving cupcakes. That would just be self-torture.
Here are a few things that struck me during my little trip down memory lane. First: I was devastated every time a cycle failed. With all but one of my IUIs I was convinced it would work. That is how I feel about IVF too. After all, I will have actual embryos inside my uterus. That is further than we have ever come before. Sperm will meet egg one way of another. How could it not work? I try not to think about all the stories I have heard over the past few years of failed cycles despite everything being perfect. I want to stay optimistic. I want to be happy and looking forward to this, not dreading it.
Second: I don't mention my husband much. Partly because I am trying to keep a little bit of anonymity. But that isn't the whole reason. I also feel like it isn't fair to write about him when he doesn't have any input into what I say on here. Heck, he doesn't even read my blog. For those that are curious, his name is Garry and he is amazing. He is funny in a kid in a man's body kind of way. He is handsome in a lumberjack kind of way. Smarter than he will ever admit to. And he loves me more than I ever thought any single person could. He would literally do anything for me, and he has proven that over and over again in the four and half years we have been together.
Third: All considered, I think I have handled this whole thing pretty damn well. Sure I have had my share of break downs and hissy fits. But on a whole I have had more good days than bad in the past year. I have lost almost 60 pounds in ten months. That is huge for me! Garry and I have grown as a couple through all of this too. We are much better at communication now than when we started this whole journey. I remember right at the start of trying to conceive, before we knew there was a problem, I used to sneak OPKs into the bathroom to test because I was afraid it would freak him out if he knew all the dirty details. Now he has been with me while a doctor injected his sperm into my uterus, and while I was having a date with the dildo cam and had my period at the same time. There is not a single thing I can't talk to him about now. How awesome is that?
More than anything this little trip down memory lane has convinced me I am ready. For IVF. For motherhood. For whatever comes next. I can handle it, good or bad. We can handle it.