Confession...

Since the weight loss I have been slightly obsessed with checking out my body. I am very embarrassed to admit this, but it is true. Mind it is only in clothes that I do this, I still run from mirrors when naked. I have a theory that you can tell the difference between a fat person's house and a skinny person's house without ever seeing them. Just count the number of mirrors in their house. Less mirrors = most likely a plus sized person lives there, more mirrors = a hot skinny person lives there. I have three mirrors in my house; one is on the inside of a closet door that is almost always shut, one is in the bathroom and you can only see from the neck up, and one is on an antique dresser we use as a bar and so is mostly obscured my bottles of booze.

Anywho, when I am fully dressed any shiny surface I pass by I have to glance at my bod as I walk by. I don't know if it because I am still a little in disbelief that I was able to drop over 60 pounds, or just that I think I look damn good in clothes right now.

Today I wore a shirt to work that I haven't fit into since before I started dating my husband. I loved this shirt, it was my going out shirt when I first got home from college. I am convinced I look better in it now than I did when I was 24. The obsession with checking myself out has reached a high today wearing this shirt. And I have gotten about 6 compliments on it, and on how good I am looking after dropping the pounds. It feels nice. I am used to getting compliments on my hair color (which changes a lot) but people don't usually comment on my clothes or body.

I suppose I should enjoy it while I can. I am sure eventually the infamous IVF bloat will settle in soon and I won't be admiring my reflection for much longer. And hopefully after that I will start getting a bump and then I will obsessed with my body for a whole other reason. But I just feel so silly for always looking at myself, it is not like I anywhere close to being skinny, or even average, I am still firmly plus-sized. Just a slightly more streamlined plus-size now.

Update!

Ok, lots of good news, so lets get started.

First, I hit my goal of being under 300 pounds by my IVF consult. I am at exactly 299 now, which puts my total weight loss from this time last year at 50 pounds. To say I am proud of myself is an understatement. I have never stuck with a weight loss regimen this long before. I hit two plateaus in that time, and yet I stuck with it and got the help I needed and I am almost to the final goal. The ultimate goal is 287, which will be an exact BMI of 40, but I have decided I am taking it a little further. I want a little extra wiggle room in there, so I want to be down to 284 (or less if I can) by the time I start stims for IVF.

Now on to the really good news. Everything at my IVF consult yesterday went perfectly. I had the meeting with the IVF nurse/coordinator. When we walked back to her office and sat down the first thing she asked was "How much have you lost so far?" When I said 45 since April and 50 since last January her jaw was on the floor. She asked if I did anything other than diet and exercise and was especially impressed when I said nope, just diet and exercise. She told me repeatedly how proud she was of me. This is one of those times I am so happy I go to a small clinic. I haven't seen this nurse since September, and yet she remembers my story and what we are doing without even having to look in my folder. It makes me feel like more than just a number on a file.

So we dove right in and I asked her all 26 of the questions I had typed up and brought with me, and the hubs asked his 1 question (can he drink before the IVF or should he stop completely?). But basically, she thinks we have a good chance of this working given how hard I have worked and that I have been doing the weight loss in a healthy way. They have a group of women starting in the beginning of February, but since I still want to lose about 15 pounds we decided I would wait until March to start our first IVF cycle.

In the mean time we are going to get all the initial IVF testing out of the way. I have the sonohysterogram (SHG) this Friday, the purpose of the SHG is make sure the structure of the uterus is ok, no polyps or fibroids or anything in there. Then next Monday I go in for the trial transfer, it is basically just a practice run at the embryo transfer. Apparently they map out the uterus and the RE will decide exactly where he wants to aim the embryo(s) at transfer. We'll also get more blood work done, another semen analysis for hubby, and an appointment just to go over and sign the consent forms.

I am also starting Birth Control Pills today. It seems so counter-intuitive to go on birth control to get pregnant, but they have to suppression the ovaries before they can bring them back up with the hormones.

So that is the gist of things. I am so insanely excited I really can't accurately describe it. Even if the first one doesn't work, through this process we will at lest hopefully get more answers about why we haven't gotten pregnant yet. But I won't lie, I am convinced the first one will work. When I say that, keep in mind that I thought every single IUI was going to work, and we all know how those turned out. So the count down is on, a little over a month and a half to starting stims for our first IVF!

I LOVE my Dietitian

No. Really. I love her. I have been to dietitians before (once in college, once after college) and they have always told me things I already knew: portion control, calorie control, exercise, blah blah blah. But since my insurance covers it I decided what the hell, I'll give it another try. So glad I did. In the two weeks since I started seeing her I have lost 5 pounds. Five! Before that I had been in a standstill for almost two months! So now I have about 11 pounds to go and 50 pounds total I have lost since last January.

I am hoping I can drop three more before my next appointment with the RE on the 11th. She said it is do-able, and gave me lots of tips to make sure I am as low as I can healthily be at the appointment. Stuff like restricting sodium starting two days before the appointment and really pushing liquids. She hasn't done anything amazingly crazy to my diet. We rearranged my calories a little so I get more in the morning and a little less in the evening. I have cut out ALL coffee, not just Starbucks. And we upped my protein a lot, I really wasn't getting anywhere near enough before.

She has even started talking about what we will do when I do get pregnant. We are talking about putting me on the diabetic diet straight off the bat since my Mom had gestational diabetes with all of us. If I can avoid the whole GD train I am all for it. But I just love that she isn't just thinking about what is going to get me this goal, she is thinking about where we go once I get there.

It doesn't hurt that she also has the exact same sense of humor as me, and started dropping f-bombs left and right after I did. She also does this funny thing where she randomly picks up her calculator and taps numbers furiously into, writes whatever she got down and then goes on talking like she never did anything, and never references what she was calculating. I find it hilarious!

I am feeling more and more optimistic about the IVF consult with my RE. I literally can not wait to walk in and get weighed so he can see how hard I have been working. The next 12 days can not go fast enough!

M.I.A.

I know, I know... I have been seriously M.I.A. lately. It is amazing how I can go from looking for things to keep me busy and my mind off all things fertility and baby related, to wishing everything would slow down and stop piling on top of me. Work has been nuts as usual. I really wish I could leave and find a less stressful job (one where.. gasp.. I might be appreciated at). Damn awesome insurance preventing me from leaving.

So here is the update: Nothing New.

I am still stuck in this damn plateau. I have been in the same 2 pound range for almost two months now. I finally broke down and made an appointment with a nutritionist. I thought it would be the same old thing I have heard from every diet/doctor I have talked to in the past. Portion control, cut out the sugars and carbs, blah blah blah. But she was actually awesome and had some great tips. She thinks I am right on with my calorie intake, but we need to mix it up a little and re-distribute the calories throughout the day. She also said I am not eating near enough protein. So she gave me a basic outline of a meal plan, and told me to cut it out with all the Starbucks. Which I already knew, and I suppose I will have to cut out the caffeine when I get pregnant (notice I am saying 'when' and not 'if' now). So I am switching to green tea instead of my daily grande non-fat peppermint mochas. More than anything though this appointment has gotten me excited about trying to lose weight again. After the first 40 pounds I was kinda just tired, and then with things stalling I was frustrated. But I am starting to feel that old motivational push again.

I also went and talked to an acupuncturist, and I think I will be starting treatments with him every other week in January. I am both excited and nervous about being stuck with dozens of needles.

Also I have decided I am getting this IVF bus rolling. Screw the last 15 pounds, I set up a consult with my RE to talk about our IVF options. I want to know specifics. What protocol will we try first, are we going to do ICSI, what testing do I need done before we start? And I want to get all the tests done before I hit my goal. that way as soon as I see those magic numbers on the scale we can just start jabbing me with needles and get those follies growing damn it! I am ready! I am sick of getting passed by people who have been married half as long as we have!

So I guess that is a little more than nothing new. Expect lots and lots of baking coming up. I am making a birthday cake for my hubby today (a skull cake no less) and I have just crap loads of Christmas baking to do. With any luck things are starting to seriously look up around here.

Feeling a little better

I am sorry my last post was such a downer. I was in a bad way that day. I am starting to feel a little better. I still haven't lost any weight in the past couple days, but a lot of friends have offered support and encouragement this week, and that helped immensely. I have a family friend who owns a gym and is very into health, she has agreed to look at my food diary for this week and come up with a plan to get me going again. I am also going to ask her to make a workout plan for me, and I may go see a personal trainer as well. I am still frustrated beyond believe, but I just have to keep reminding myself that if I power through this I will eventually start losing weight again. I can't give up and let myself go.

I have had a lot of people tell me that I am probably just gaining muscle and that is why I haven't lost weight. I am not sure I completely buy that, but even if it is true it doesn't make me feel much better. I could honestly give two sh*ts about gaining muscle. If it doesn't make the number on my scale go down, and hence my BMI go down, than I don't give a damn. I realize that probably sounds weird to those that are into the whole fitness thing, but that just isn't me. Don't get me wrong, I think it is cool seeing the difference in my body since all this started, but I was perfectly content the way I was before. If I could be fat and get pregnant (and stay pregnant) I would be ecstatic. I think it is neat that I can run for three minutes straight now, but I am not a fan of running or exercise in general. I like to go on walks with the hubs and the dogs, but other than that give me a couch and a couple books and I could stay in the same position for days on end.

With all that said, I must admit getting compliments from people on my weight loss is kinda awesome. Just this week I have had three people ask me if I have lost weight. It's nice to be able to brag about all the work I have done, even if no one knows the reason behind all this.

Enough of all that. Here is what you have to look forward to from me in the next week: BAKING! It is my nephew's 1st birthday this weekend and I am making two cakes for the occasion (one for smashing, one for eating) and I am also making cupcakes for work Sunday for a last minute party. So expect lots of pictures!

Instruments of Torture

That is what I saw everywhere I looked when I walked into the gym this morning. It was not a good gym day. I wanted to give up before I even stepped on the treadmill. But then I took out my phone and I looked at a couple pictures of my nephews and reminded myself why I am doing all this. I want a family, this is the only way I am going to get there. So I jumped on that damn hamster wheel for humans and suffered through 36 minutes of wanting to throw up or pass out.

While I was trudging along I started forming this post in my head. This is my motivation post. I am going to refer back to this post whenever I need a little extra kick in the exercise pants.

First an update on my progress thus far. Since I started my weight loss quest in April I have lost a total of 35 pounds. That is about a pound and a half a week. This is by far the most I have ever lost on a diet. I am noticing a difference in my clothes on an almost weekly basis now, which is pretty damn awesome.

Aaaaand now some motivation. these are the things I think about on the treadmill instead of the pain and sweat. First the whole reason I am here. Babies. Children. Family. More than anything else I want to be able to read my kids bed time stories. Sit at the dining room table and do math homework (I will only be a help up until about 6th grade then it is the hub's turn). I want to be embarrassed in the middle of Target when my kid has a tantrum over a toy. Seriously, I welcome it.


And once I get those kids, I want to be around for a very, very long time. I plan on torturing my kids with how actively I participate in their lives. I am sure I will annoy the crap out of them, like mine did for me. But hopefully when they reach their mid twenties they will be as close with us as I am with my Mom and Dad. Hopefully they will look back at all the basketball games, plays, and lectures about not smoking and thank me, like I do my parents. I am going to need to be healthy for that to happen.

I don't want my kids to be tortured at school because of their weight. I don't want my kids to come home every day from school crying because someone left a can of Slim Fast on their desk, or wrote a note in their year book saying they should work out over the summer. Maybe if I can fix my eating habits now, I will better be able to help my kids have good habits from the start. And maybe they won't get picked on quite as much as I did in school.

I want to go on a vacation with my husband and not be shrouded in big t-shirts and shorts on the beach. I am never going to be a bikini girl, I am cool with that. But it would be nice to feel comfortable in a bathing suit lounging on the deck of some cruise ship holding the hand of my hubs without the little voice in the back of my head telling me to cover up before someone sees me.


Those thoughts are what keep me going. And when those start to fail I fixate on the little pulsing digital hearts on the stationary bike monitors around me. I picture that little heart is beating in my belly, pumping away, telling me to keep going so we can meet. I picture seeing that little heart beat on an ultrasound monitor some day, instead of just seeing the little black circles in my ovaries that cycle after cycle don't turn into a baby. When I want to drop right there on the tread mill and let it shoot me back against the wall so I can just lay there not moving, that little green digital heart is what keeps me on my feet.

I miss cycling... aka whine-fest

Even though I am pretty sure I ovulated on my own this month, I still have no hope that it will result in anything. And I really really miss the hope and the feeling that I am doing something. I know I am losing weight so we can do IVF, and I am very hopeful that IVF will do the trick, but I hate not doing anything active to get PG. I tried to time sex with the hubs last week just in case I was right and did ovulate, but he has been so exhausted lately that I didn't have the heart to seduce him into being awake after work, and we only did the naughty twice last week. It would make things so much easier if he wanted to know when I am ovulating, but he made it clear back when we first started trying that he doesn't want to feel like a sperm donor, he doesn't want sex to become all about making a baby. And it isn't. Once I initiate things, it is mostly just about how much I love being close to him and how good he makes me feel. I just like having sex with him! But I can understand how he would feel that way.

I think part of the reason being on a break is bothering me so much this week is that I hurt my leg last Monday during one of my couch to 5k workouts and I had to take last week off from working out. Thankfully I haven't gained any weight this week, but I haven't lost any either. So everything has just been feeling stagnant.

I am starting to really resent my body, which I hate. I have always had the same gripes as any other girl. I hate my thighs, I hate my flabby arms, etc. But I have always been pretty good with being a big girl. I know how to dress my body so I look my best, and I love my boobs and I love the curve from my waist to my hips (may be curvier than some like, but I like it). But right now I hate everything about my body. I see the stretch marks more than I used to, I look at my tummy and all I see is how empty it really is. Everything about my body has started to represent my life without children. I think that is part of the reason why I haven't gone clothes shopping even though everything is just hanging on me right now. I just don't want to spend all that time looking in the mirror. I had to get ready for a wedding the other day and I was in a total funk all day because I hate having to look at myself in the mirror and evaluate how I look.

I just feel like it isn't just getting pregnant that is on hold... it is everything. I haven't started any projects around the house b/c I am so obsessed with going to the gym and when I am not at the gym, distracting myself from thinking too much. I can't look for new jobs even though I hate the one I have because my company provides fertility coverage. I am so lucky to get almost everything covered, but it is also a pain because it means if I want to start a family I have to stay until I get pregnant. I just want to be happy about something other than my husbands new job. I am actually jealous of him because he has so much forward movement going on in his life, and I am just watching.

Another milestone!

I was getting ready for work this afternoon and staring at the pile of jeans in my closet that I haven't been able to fit into in ages, and figured screw it I will try them on. They fit! I was so excited I ran downstairs in my jeans and a bra to show my hubby. Not only do they fit, but there is a little wiggle run around the waist and hips too! I can't remember the last time these jeans fit well enough for me to wear them to work!

This couldn't have come at a better time. I was getting so down on myself about how slow my weight loss was going. But this has renewed my determination! I am going to keep losing weight so I can have my babies, and I am going to save my current jeans to wear as maternity jeans damn it!

Weight Loss Update...

So I have lost about three pounds in the past week. Not bad. I went to the doctor's on Tuesday and he agreed that as a short time boost I could go on a prescription appetite suppressant. I started it yesterday, I have no clue if it is working, but I am getting some wicked cotton mouth and I get really amped up and hyper about three hours after I take it, which has done wonders for my workouts.

So I decided I need a inspiration pic to keep me moving, I picked a very cute picture of my baby nephew (after all I am doing all this to have a baby) and a picture of me from college when I was somewhere near my goal weight. I never realized how little I was in college. I mean I have never been skinny by any means. But I look at this picture of me and think "why did I think I was go grotesquely fat back then?" Honestly, I thought I was horribly ugly and fat and I could not understand why my college boyfriend was with me b/c he was gorgeous. I think that is why I stayed with him for so long even though he treated me like crap. I thought I was hideous. Now I look at that picture and wished like hell I still looked like that.

Being with a man who appreciates me and tells me I am beautiful even when I am sweaty in my workout clothes with my hair all crazy and my shirt sticking to my rolls is amazing. I have never felt so pretty as when I am with my husband after one of our walks and he tries to jump me before I even shower. I wish I could have felt like that back in college. Look at me getting all wishy washy and sentimental. I will stop now while I am ahead.

Next Step....

Well my last home pregnancy test is gone and it was another negative. I have accepted that this didn't work. I am 13 dpIUI so it is pretty much a done deal. I am still going in on Monday for the blood test just to confirm, and I will also be doing the glucose test that day. But I know that the blood work is going to come back negative and the glucose test is going to come back normal. So onward.

After much crying this morning when I had to tell my husband that we weren't pregnant we agreed that it was best to take a break now. His schedule is insane while he is training for his new job and still working full time at the current job, so we aren't even sure he would be able to fit in more cycles until he officially changes jobs. Plus I am not one to keep trying the same thing over and over and expect different results. We need to do something new. But since Dr. F doesn't use Femara and doesn't want me to start injectables until I have lost at least 10% of my body weight we are kinda out of options for now. I am still going to schedule a consult with him so that we can talk specific BMI goals. I am not good with just lose weight and we will see. I need a goal that I can work towards and keep my eye on.

Right now my goal is to lose 40 pounds by August and then try an injectables IUI, that may change after I talk to Dr. F. Hubby's schedule should be stabilized by then so we shouldn't have any scheduling issues. If after one or two injectable cycles we are still not pregnant we will take another break to lose the remainder of the weight and move onto IVF. I am looking into going on Meridia (an appetite suppressant) to help along my weight loss. We shall see what my GI doc says about that.

So wish me luck in my new hard core weight journey. This blog is going to get a whole lot more weight and Crohn's talk and not so much fertility and baking talk. Sorry.

So over being sick....

So this is going to be one big whiny post. Feel free to skip it. I have a wicked head cold. My head is killing me, my nose is totally clogged, and my sinuses are clogged. Add to that I am having "stomach issues." I have been nauseous all day, and I can't find my anti-nausea meds, so that sucks too. And to pile even more suckiness onto the heaping pile of suckiness, I am on my fourth day of Clomid and my hot flashes are insane. And let me tell you hot flashes + fever = misery.

I am so pissed because I wanted to get back into working out this week, but I can't workout when it is this hard to breathe. I haven't worked out since before my last insemination, I am always way too nervous to workout during the 2ww. I am petrified that if I do something the slightest bit wrong in that fourteen days I will not get pregnant. So i don't drink caffeine, don't drink booze, don't workout, and very rarely have sex in the two weeks after the IUI. As a result I haven't lost any weight in a while. I am sticking to my diet pretty well (with the exception of this weekend) but I am standing still. But all I have done the past two days is sit on the couch, watch Alias episodes and eat soup.

It is so discouraging, because I know I won't be able to move on to the next level of treatment without losing all this extra weight I have gotten since college. The thought that I won't get pregnant because of my own weakness and inability to control my weight is on my mind all the time, which isn't helping the sinus headache any.

My emotions are getting the better of me....

I am crying at literally everything. The most insane things are making me sad. for instance I got dressed this afternoon and head out to work with my hubby (we don't need to be at work till 2pm) and I notice after I get to work that I have a not incignificant sized stain on my shirt from the chocolate bar the hubbster got me, and I start crying. Over a stain. I also cried today because I feel like I am being snappy with my husband, which I hate because I love him so much, and I don't want to be a pissy wife. And now I am crying again. At work.

I am not sure if it is all hormones either. I am sure they play a part. Mostly I think it is just sadness at another failed cycle. I know it isn't official until I get the blood work. But I pretty much already know that this cycle didn't work. I have taken three home pregnancy tests now and all three of them have been negative. I am only 12 days post IUI right now, so it is still early, but I just know that the results aren't going to change no matter how many days I do them. Monday I have my appointment to go get my blood test, and I am dreading the call I will get from the nurse telling me I am not pregnant. She is such a nice lady and she has the best bad news voice, but hearing the words make it so final. No more hope, it is just over.

On a side note, I think I am doing well with the weight loss, but don't know for sure b/c our dog broke my scale. But my jeans are loser so that is a good sign. Plus the low fiber diet is doing wonders for my Crohns, I haven't had even a tiny bit of pain or nausea since I have been sticking to the low fiber thing. So at least one thing is going my way.

I want a baby more than I want a cupcake....

It pains me to say this, but I have to take a baking break. I have been trying to lose weight for about a month now and it went great at first, I lost 13 pounds in the first two weeks. But after the first two weeks, and thanks to a lot of snow, I got off track and I gained a lot of the weight back. So I have decided I need to take a break from baking in an effort to get back on track with losing weight.

I am not even half way through the two week wait and I am already pretty convinced this cycle didn't work. So while we will probably do a couple more IUIs, I need to lose this 50 pounds so that if we max out my Clomid cycles and IUI cycles I will be ready to go for IVF. I have four more Clomid and IUIs left before we get to that point, and I will most likely use them all, but I have to think ahead. This 50 pounds isn't going to come off by itself in 4 months.

I may post some recipes occasionally for healthy meals and snacks, but for now the cupcakes are taking a back seat to trying to get pregnant. I just have to keep repeating to myself "I want a baby more than I want a cupcake."

My Confidence Got B*itch Slapped Today

So when we started trying to get pregnant I was sure it would happen the first cycle. Not so much. Then when we started clomid, I thought it would be the answer to my prayers. Wrong again. IUI#1 thought for sure that would be it. NOT!!!! After the news of my right tube being blocked I figured we just had to get my Left ovary pumping out some kick ass eggs and we would be all good. Well that got smacked down too.

At my follicle check today there was nothing growing on the left ovary for the third month in a row. 6 beautiful follicles on the right, but that doesn't help me much. And the icing on the sucky sucky cake was that my left ovary is also about half the size of my right. The thought is that we aren't going to be able to do much with lefty.

I was devastated. I really thought we would be able to get pregnant without having to do anything too invasive. Turns out that is not going to be true for me. I spent most of the day trying to distract myself by making lowfat turkey meatloaf, and the rest of the day crying.

So where do we go from here? Well, next month we are going to try to open my right tube with a procedure called a Tubal Recannulization. Here is a link about what exactly is involved in the procedure Because if I tried to explain it I would probably butcher it. It will be done between the 7th and 10th day of my next cycle. I will also continue on Clomid next cycle in the hope that the recannulization works and my right tube opens. Hopefully then we will be able to go ahead with IUI#2 Take 3.

Now, if I don't get pregnant on the next cycle then we will be moving onto IVF. I am lucky enough to have 100% coverage for 3 IVF cycles. Thankfully my company's headquarters is based in Maryland, and they have some pretty rocking state mandated infertility coverage. There is a possibility that the IVF meds will not be covered. If that is the case we may have to take a couple months off to save up for the drugs, which can run $3000-$5000. Ouch.

In addition, before I move onto IVF my RE would like me to lose some weight. He said he doesn't have a strict limit on weight for IVF, but he would like to see me lose about 40-50 pounds. The reason why they want the weight lose is because right now it can be hard to find and see my ovaries. Usually the internal ultrasound is pretty painful for me because the tech has to push so hard to see anything. So the hope is that the more weight I lose, the easier it will be to see my ovaries. Hence the making of the low-fat turkey meatloaf this afternoon.

Trying to lose weight quickly will be a challenge with my Crohn's and buldging disk, but I am determined to get PG. The one thing I have always know was that I wanted to be a Mom. And if I have to give up eating some of my favorite foods to do that, I will. Don't worry though, I will never give up baking. Just might have to change my recipes to lower fat options. Could be fun right? Maybe?