Sunday, June 27, 2010

I miss cycling... aka whine-fest

Even though I am pretty sure I ovulated on my own this month, I still have no hope that it will result in anything. And I really really miss the hope and the feeling that I am doing something. I know I am losing weight so we can do IVF, and I am very hopeful that IVF will do the trick, but I hate not doing anything active to get PG. I tried to time sex with the hubs last week just in case I was right and did ovulate, but he has been so exhausted lately that I didn't have the heart to seduce him into being awake after work, and we only did the naughty twice last week. It would make things so much easier if he wanted to know when I am ovulating, but he made it clear back when we first started trying that he doesn't want to feel like a sperm donor, he doesn't want sex to become all about making a baby. And it isn't. Once I initiate things, it is mostly just about how much I love being close to him and how good he makes me feel. I just like having sex with him! But I can understand how he would feel that way.

I think part of the reason being on a break is bothering me so much this week is that I hurt my leg last Monday during one of my couch to 5k workouts and I had to take last week off from working out. Thankfully I haven't gained any weight this week, but I haven't lost any either. So everything has just been feeling stagnant.

I am starting to really resent my body, which I hate. I have always had the same gripes as any other girl. I hate my thighs, I hate my flabby arms, etc. But I have always been pretty good with being a big girl. I know how to dress my body so I look my best, and I love my boobs and I love the curve from my waist to my hips (may be curvier than some like, but I like it). But right now I hate everything about my body. I see the stretch marks more than I used to, I look at my tummy and all I see is how empty it really is. Everything about my body has started to represent my life without children. I think that is part of the reason why I haven't gone clothes shopping even though everything is just hanging on me right now. I just don't want to spend all that time looking in the mirror. I had to get ready for a wedding the other day and I was in a total funk all day because I hate having to look at myself in the mirror and evaluate how I look.

I just feel like it isn't just getting pregnant that is on hold... it is everything. I haven't started any projects around the house b/c I am so obsessed with going to the gym and when I am not at the gym, distracting myself from thinking too much. I can't look for new jobs even though I hate the one I have because my company provides fertility coverage. I am so lucky to get almost everything covered, but it is also a pain because it means if I want to start a family I have to stay until I get pregnant. I just want to be happy about something other than my husbands new job. I am actually jealous of him because he has so much forward movement going on in his life, and I am just watching.

No comments:

Post a Comment