Wednesday, March 30, 2011

It's Official...

I waited till I got the official results back from my RE to post, but I am writing this the day before I go in for my beta. It is over. It didn't work. I am not pregnant. I am heartbroken. There is no accurate way to describe how sad I am right now. How do you mourn something you never really had? I feel broken and empty, and it feels like it will always be this way.

I feel bad for Garry too. He has no clue what to do or say to make me feel better. Probably because there is no way to make me feel better. He keeps saying it will work next time and we still have two more shots at IVF. But it isn't that easy, right now all I see when I think about our next cycle is more disappointment and pain. I don't think I will ever get the optimism I had for this cycle back. I have heard stories of women doing 6 or 7 IVFs before they got their take home baby.

I keep trying to imagine our lives without children. And as much as I love Garry with everything I have, the thought of the two of us puttering around our house alone with our dogs for the rest of our lives makes me want to curl up in bed and sleep for as long as is possible. No kids waking us up at the crack of dawn on Christmas morning to go open presents, no first trips to the beach, no reading books before bedtime. Just the two of us watching TV and going to the movies every date night for the rest of our lives. I know eventually I could be happy and not feel like we are missing out, but right now I don't even want to try and imagine how it will feel.


  1. Im so very sorry.Understand how you feel. have been there. It will get better, Take some time out to get over it,and you will. And look onwards and upwards to the next IVF. We will make it, It wont always be this bad, it has to get better, and you have to think that. Stay strong, and dont give up. Where there is a strong desire to be a mum, this is what will keep you going.

  2. I know the disappointment you're feeling right now. I just wanted to tell you that it does get easier. Everything about IVF gets easier. The first time is the worst. There is so much anticipation, trepidation and hope all rolled into one. Keep your chin up, stay relaxed, stay positive.
    And you're right progesterone in oil is the work of the devil. :)

    thinking of you,
    *Katesmama on SPN*