Friday, April 2, 2010

It is my fault...

I feel like this entire fertility battle is completely my fault. And not in a I am the sick one and the hubby has nothing wrong with him way. But in the I caused this way. All my issues are man made. I don't have PCOS, or Endomestriosis, or some blood clotting or egg quality issues. I took Depo Provera for two different stints of two years. First in college when I was petrified of getting pregnant, and then when I started dating my husband b/c I was tired of having a period while I was dealing with the Crohn's stuff. A large part of why I need fertility treatments is b/c of that birth control.

Now I didn't know at the time that depo had effects that lasted up to and sometimes over two years after going off it. But still I should have done more research. I should have known that I would want to have kids the minute I got married, and done everything to protect that. But I didn't want a period. I feel so stupid now.

The other reason I can't get pregnant is of course my weight. I would like to believe that I can bake and eat anything I want whenever I want and not have it affect my life in any other way than my jean size. But that isn't true. My weight is preventing me from becoming pregnant. And if I am lucky enough to get pregnant my weight will most likely endanger that. So you see, all of my problems are my own fault.

Sometimes when I see my husband holding my 5 month old nephew or playing video games with one of my other 8 nephews I think "he could have kids right now if he had married someone else." Heck he could probably have eight kids by now if he had married his crack-head ex. It makes me so sad that he may never have kids b/c of my own selfishness and lack of will power. I would literally give anything to see him holding our own little baby. But that won't happen anytime soon. I am two days into testing and still stark white negative home pregnancy tests are all I get. I will test again tomorrow morning, and most likely Sunday because I can't help but hold on to the little hope I have. Monday will be the blood test to confirm what I pretty much already know. After that I am taking a break for 4-9 months. The idea of that big a break literally makes my heart ache, heck it makes every part of me ache.

1 comment:

  1. Keeping my fingers crossed for you that you get the BFP! But I do understand wanting/needing to take a break...we are going to be on break until August (even though we could cycle in June) to give us a chance to heal and for me to get my body in a healthier place. Lots of hugs to you!