Oscar Night Cupcakes

I haven't baked in a good long while, so I decided to make some cupcakes to take into work with me on Oscar night. Nothing terribly fancy, just something I have been craving for a while. First up:

Lemon Cupcakes with Lemon Glaze and Marscapone Buttercream




Peanut Butter Cupcake with Chocolate PB Buttercream
Made with Powdered Peanut Butter

Who has drugs? I have drugs!

Check out my big ol' stash of hormones!


That's right, I got all my drugs in the mail yesterday. Well not all, this picture is actually missing two of the drugs. One is on back order and the other I have to get from another pharmacy. In total I will be on 8 drugs, 5 of which are injections. I hear some people use their bookcases to display books and knick knacks. Not me, I use mine to display my wide array of hormones.

So I must confess that I am starting to get a wee bit terrified. In a little over a week I am going to be pumping myself so full of hormones that I fully expect to be spewing bitchiness in a very Linda Blair-esque fashion. Then in a little over two weeks I am going to let a doctor knock me out, pierce the wall of my uterus and my ovaries with a needle and suck out the eggs. Then I am going to hope and pray that the lady injecting my hubby's sperm into my eggs is really good at her job. For five days after that I am going to be biting my nails to the cuticles wondering whether or not we will have something to transfer back to said uterus.

This whole process seems totally insane all of a sudden. Who in their right mind puts themselves through all this? But I suppose I am not really in my right mind. I think my right mind went out the window after the first dozen negative pregnancy tests. All I am left with now is my exhausted/desperate mind.

Reminiscing...

I am at work right now, and I should be actually doing work. But these days my brain is moving a mile a minute, and it is never about work. We all know what it is about. The thing that has been consuming my life for the past two and a half years. Getting pregnant.

I had a little scare this week, which isn't quite over yet. Thursday I thought I felt the beginnings of a Crohn's flare up coming on. I had stomach pain and I was having problems going #2. But after almost two whole days on a mostly liquid diet I am feeling much better. I have an appointment with my GI doctor on Monday just to make sure everything is ok, because I am a nervous nelly right now. I was convinced it would turn into a full blown flare and ruin our plans to start IVF in two weeks (two weeks!).

I stayed home from work yesterday to try and relax, and honestly it is hard to concentrate on anything when all you have eaten is soup and protein shakes. While I was home I started reminiscing about our journey so far. I went back and read the whole blog, except the parts involving cupcakes. That would just be self-torture.

Here are a few things that struck me during my little trip down memory lane. First: I was devastated every time a cycle failed. With all but one of my IUIs I was convinced it would work. That is how I feel about IVF too. After all, I will have actual embryos inside my uterus. That is further than we have ever come before. Sperm will meet egg one way of another. How could it not work? I try not to think about all the stories I have heard over the past few years of failed cycles despite everything being perfect. I want to stay optimistic. I want to be happy and looking forward to this, not dreading it.

Second: I don't mention my husband much. Partly because I am trying to keep a little bit of anonymity. But that isn't the whole reason. I also feel like it isn't fair to write about him when he doesn't have any input into what I say on here. Heck, he doesn't even read my blog. For those that are curious, his name is Garry and he is amazing. He is funny in a kid in a man's body kind of way. He is handsome in a lumberjack kind of way. Smarter than he will ever admit to. And he loves me more than I ever thought any single person could. He would literally do anything for me, and he has proven that over and over again in the four and half years we have been together.

Third: All considered, I think I have handled this whole thing pretty damn well. Sure I have had my share of break downs and hissy fits. But on a whole I have had more good days than bad in the past year. I have lost almost 60 pounds in ten months. That is huge for me! Garry and I have grown as a couple through all of this too. We are much better at communication now than when we started this whole journey. I remember right at the start of trying to conceive, before we knew there was a problem, I used to sneak OPKs into the bathroom to test because I was afraid it would freak him out if he knew all the dirty details. Now he has been with me while a doctor injected his sperm into my uterus, and while I was having a date with the dildo cam and had my period at the same time. There is not a single thing I can't talk to him about now. How awesome is that?

More than anything this little trip down memory lane has convinced me I am ready. For IVF. For motherhood. For whatever comes next. I can handle it, good or bad. We can handle it.

Everything is Coming Together...

I kinda can't believe it. Everything is in order for the March IVF! After a month of biting my nails all the insurance craziness is officially A-OK, I got three calls today confirming that the RE has received the authorization code, not only for this IVF, but if need be for all three IVFs. It is nice to know that if we have to do this more than once I won't have to worry about dealing with insurance any more.

I also discovered that my next Remicade infusion with be right smack in the middle of stimming. I am really happy the timing for Remicade and IVF is working out (completely coincidentally). It may not make a difference, but I feel better knowing that my Crohn's will be nice and calm and medicated during this cycle.

I am exactly 4 pounds away from my goal weight for IVF. I need to be at 287, I am currently at 291. I would like to be at 284, both for a little extra cushion in there and and because that means I will have lost exactly 60 pounds since April 2010. 7 pounds in three weeks is do-able. I got a little off track during my birthday week, but now I am back to consistently losing 2 pounds a week.

So all signs are pointing to this whole thing going off as scheduled. I am also trying to convince myself that it has to work since if it does the baby would be due the same week as Garry's birthday (yes I already figure it out, stop judging me).

Let the finger crossing commence!

Need a Reality Check

I am getting my hopes way too high for this first IVF. The hubs and I talk like this is a sure thing. I have started looking at baby stuff when I am in Target or other stores and it isn't a longing sad looking, it is an excited, we are going to be doing this for real in a few months kind of looking.

But the thing I need to start reminding myself of is: it isn't a sure thing. I am not even sure our odds are very good. One of the REs I had a consult with gave us a 35% chance of IVF working. My RE doesn't like to give precent chances on a first IVF because they don't really know what they are going to find on that first one. After the first IVF they know more, but I was really kinda hoping I wouldn't have to do this more than once. According to my RE he thinks my chances are good based on what he has seen in my cycles so far, but there is no telling until we get the eggs and sperm together and see what happens. I appreciate that he isn't treating me like a statistic, but I want something more solid to hang onto.

Right now it seems if you want to get pregnant you should come hang out with me and you will get pregnant with in a few weeks. I know over 20 people who are pregnant right now. I am happy for them, but it depresses me so much how easy it is for other people (normal people) to get pregnant. The hardest ones are the people who get pregnant by accident in less than optimal situations. Like couples that have been dating for three months and get pregnant by accident. Those announcements hurt a little. There was literally one day on Facebook that I logged in and all I saw in my newsfeed were ultrasound pics, announcements, and updates on progress. I am just so ready to be there.

Whew!

The insurance problem has been fixed. I am so happy right now. I have not actually talked to the insurance people myself, but my wonderful HR lady has and apparently everything is going to be OK. Here is the email conversation between my HR lady and our Insurance group rep (totally paraphrasing):

Insurance rep: "Regarding Christine, the computer glitch has been fixed and all benefits have been restored."

Awesome HR Lady: "Does this mean she will receive coverage for her IVF?"

Insurance rep: "Yes, her IVF will be covered, as it always should have been."

How awesome is that?!

The past six days have been horrible. I kept fluctuating between having hope that everything would get worked out, to paralyzing fear that this was the end of the road for us and a sign that we shouldn't be parents. I am so relieved I can't really describe it well enough.

But I must admit, I feel a little bit of guilt too. There are so many couples out there that don't have fertility coverage, and it just breaks my heart. I felt for six days what they must feel day in and day out all year long. Weighing options I would never consider normally, verging on panic attacks at the thought of having to charge/loan $20,000 for a single IVF cycle.

It is completely unfair that anyone could consider an infertility diagnosis anything other than a life changing event. When you have dreamt of having a family your entire life, finding out that is not possible because of something that is physically wrong with you is heartbreaking and life changing. It changes how you look at the world, money, the people around you, and the rest of your life. It is ridiculous that insurance companies, politicians, and employers consider fertility coverage a non-essential benefit.

OK, stepping off my soap box now.

I knew things were going too well....

Today has sucked. That is the only way I can describe it. It started off well enough. Wake up, make breakfast, go to the gym, come home and head to work. On the way to work I notice I have a voicemail from the RE's office. I call them back, and I hear the only words that could hurt as much as "You are not pregnant." I heard "Your insurance rejected the pre-authorization for your IVF cycle." Cue meltdown.

I have spent the roughly eight hours since that conversation alternating between sobbing uncontrollably, wanting to yell at literally anyone (but preferably any and all insurance reps), and intense conversations with my HR lady at work.

Let me explain the back story here. When I first went to my RE's office in October 2009 they ran my insurance to see if I had any fertility coverage. I was told I did (something I was frankly shocked by). According to the billing lady I had 6 IUIs and 3 IVFs per live birth covered at 100% with a lifetime max of $100,000. I was relieved and grateful because this meant we wouldn't have to worry about how we would come up with the thousands of dollars it takes to do even an IUI cycle, let alone IVF. It didnt really cross my mind again until we got our insurance booklets for 2010, but I checked and nothing had changed, still covered.

So that phone call today was quite the blow. I thought the only things I would have to worry about for our March IVF were my weight and time off work. Now I have this to deal with.

The good news is I am starting to think this is solvable. After talking with my HR lady A LOT today we found the spot in this year's statement of benefits booklet that explains the infertility coverage. And it is worded exactly as I thought it would be: 6 IUIs, 3 IVFs. There has to be a mistake somewhere along the line. I am not sure where, but I have to believe that this is just a horrible mistake that can be fixed easily and in time for our March start date.

But there is this little part of me that is saying "you have had it far too easy to this point, it is time for you to suffer." That part of me thinks no matter how awesome my HR lady is and how hard she will work to get this straightened out, and how many phone calls I make, it won't work. This is the end. Because we can't pay for IVF out of pocket. Neither of us can justify taking out a $20,000+ loan to pay for one IVF cycle, because then we wouldn't be able to give any possible children the life they deserve. My husband still isn't OK with the idea of adoption. I know eventually he would go along with adoption, but he would never be as 100% on board with it as me, so I won't try to force him to be OK with adoption.

If this insurance doesn't come through we are living our life childless. I think that is the scariest sentence I have ever had to type/say/think. Excuse me while I go cry some more and read my insurance booklet once more to make sure I am not missing anything.