I miss cycling... aka whine-fest

Even though I am pretty sure I ovulated on my own this month, I still have no hope that it will result in anything. And I really really miss the hope and the feeling that I am doing something. I know I am losing weight so we can do IVF, and I am very hopeful that IVF will do the trick, but I hate not doing anything active to get PG. I tried to time sex with the hubs last week just in case I was right and did ovulate, but he has been so exhausted lately that I didn't have the heart to seduce him into being awake after work, and we only did the naughty twice last week. It would make things so much easier if he wanted to know when I am ovulating, but he made it clear back when we first started trying that he doesn't want to feel like a sperm donor, he doesn't want sex to become all about making a baby. And it isn't. Once I initiate things, it is mostly just about how much I love being close to him and how good he makes me feel. I just like having sex with him! But I can understand how he would feel that way.

I think part of the reason being on a break is bothering me so much this week is that I hurt my leg last Monday during one of my couch to 5k workouts and I had to take last week off from working out. Thankfully I haven't gained any weight this week, but I haven't lost any either. So everything has just been feeling stagnant.

I am starting to really resent my body, which I hate. I have always had the same gripes as any other girl. I hate my thighs, I hate my flabby arms, etc. But I have always been pretty good with being a big girl. I know how to dress my body so I look my best, and I love my boobs and I love the curve from my waist to my hips (may be curvier than some like, but I like it). But right now I hate everything about my body. I see the stretch marks more than I used to, I look at my tummy and all I see is how empty it really is. Everything about my body has started to represent my life without children. I think that is part of the reason why I haven't gone clothes shopping even though everything is just hanging on me right now. I just don't want to spend all that time looking in the mirror. I had to get ready for a wedding the other day and I was in a total funk all day because I hate having to look at myself in the mirror and evaluate how I look.

I just feel like it isn't just getting pregnant that is on hold... it is everything. I haven't started any projects around the house b/c I am so obsessed with going to the gym and when I am not at the gym, distracting myself from thinking too much. I can't look for new jobs even though I hate the one I have because my company provides fertility coverage. I am so lucky to get almost everything covered, but it is also a pain because it means if I want to start a family I have to stay until I get pregnant. I just want to be happy about something other than my husbands new job. I am actually jealous of him because he has so much forward movement going on in his life, and I am just watching.

CUPCAKES!!!!!

What is this? A baking post? Huh, imagine that! I know I have been lax on the baking lately, mostly because I can't eat what I bake. But today I made cupcakes for my hubby's second to last day at work. this will be the first time since we started dating that we will not work together everyday. I am kinda sad, but also very excited that he is starting this new career that he is hopeful of. So I decided to celebrate his last week day at work by making Cupcakes!

His new job is at a casino, so I made casino themed cupcakes. The flavors were Cheesecake Cupcakes and Peanut Butter Cupcakes. The Cheesecake ones were divine. I was really rushed with the PB ones, and they turned out pretty dry. Both the recipes came from Martha Stewart's Cupcake Cookbook. I have been really hit and miss with Martha's cupcakes. I love one recipe, and really not very impressed with the next recipe I try.

So here are the resulting cupcakes: The decorations were made with gum paste and were by far the most labor intensive part of the whole thing. I sat there for hours this morning painting the poker chips while watching 'My So Called Life' on Hulu. Not a bad way to spend the morning actually. I am really happy with how they turned out, and I may actually make them again for G's first day of officially working at the Casino.

Little Emotional Today...

I did not expect father's day to be this hard. I didn't have a huge problem with Mother's Day because I just stayed focused on my Mom and no one at work that day was a Mom. But today coming to work is hard. One of the guys here has an 8 month old baby boy. His wife gave him a white polo shirt with these two blue baby foots prints on the chest (like where the izods alligator would go).

I don't know why but seeing that shirt made me so sad. I almost started crying when he walked in and was telling our other co-worker about it, he was just beaming. I want to see my hubs like that in the worst way. I want to make stupid presents for Father's Day, and see him be all proud. As hard as it is to think about possibly never being a Mom, thinking about G never being a Dad is even harder. He will be such a fantastic Dad. Just today he was making my baby nephew laugh like crazy by doing a zombie impression. I just want him to be able to do that with our kids.

Holy crap, could it be?

Could I be ovulating on my own, with no medical help at all? Some signs point to yes. I have been contemplating going to get some Ovulation Predictor Kits because I have been feeling twitches in the ovarian area for a couple days now. But then I thought it might just be gas too, because when I have Crohn's related pain it is in the same basic area.

But then today I went to the bathroom and I had EWCM!!! Just a tiny little bit, but unmistakable. For those who don't know (all two or three of you) EWCM is egg white cervical mucus. Basically it is when you have a discharge that looks like egg whites. It is one of the signs that you are approaching ovulation, and it helps protect sperm on it's way to the egg. I haven't had EWCM ever that I can remember, other than once with my last IUI cycle.

I am not counting my eggs before they ovulate though. I still have no clue if anything real is going on in there. Plus, we did three IUIs that were perfect on paper. Had a strong follie, great sperm count, timing was good. And obviously I still didn't get PG. But I am definitely going to get some OPKs today. And if it turns out I am ovulating on my own, you can be sure I will be seducing The Hubs this weekend, I don't care how tired he is. If there is even the slightest of chances I will give it a shot.

A Week of Annoyances

So what was supposed to be a week filled with fun and relaxation turned into a very traumatic and emotional week spent in my car.

It started off well though. I met up with some of my fellow infertiles Saturday and it was great. So much fun talking to girls who have been where you are, who get it 100%, and to top it off are freaking amazing in ways having nothing to do with their IF troubles.

Unfortunately it was pretty much all down hill from there. I haven't been able to stop talking about our new puppy addition to the family for weeks now. We finally got to go pick her up and something happened that I never even thought about. Our dog Wallace decided he didn't want another puppy around and attacked her. Twice. I thought maybe he had been stressed from all the time in the car, we spent a total of 30 hours in the car over the coarse of the week. Maybe once we got in our own house and worked with him a little he would get over it. Not so much. While the Hubs and I were taking all three of the dogs on a walk Wallace lunged for her. I pretty much decided at that moment that we couldn't keep Penny. But Hubs and I still sat down to have an extremely sucky conversation about what to do. We ended deciding it would be best (and safest) if we took Penny back to the rescue and got Wallace enrolled in some behavior training classes.

Now this is the first time I have ever seen an iota of meanness in Wallace. He is a big sweet fluffy puppy. OK 'big' may be a slight understatement. He does weigh 106 pounds. But he has never been mean to another person, dog, or cat in his two year life. Squirrels are another story. So this had me pretty freaked out. What would happen when we bring a baby home? Would he react the same way? How can I trust him now when other people and animals come into our house? As a result of all of this we are going to be working double time to try and figure out what caused him to act this way towards Penny and how we can avoid it from happening again. I think for the foreseeable future we are going to stick to being a two dog family though. Don't worry about Penny, she is being adopted by her extraordinarily awesome foster mom. I think this is the best thing that could have happened to her, because her Mom is the best, and I get to keep up with how she is doing through Facebook.

On top of all of the puppy drama, I just found out my oldest sister may also have Crohn's Disease. Seriously I would not wish this illness on my worst enemy. I hate it, and my future often seems really scary because I can't predict what new and interesting way my body is going to betray me down the line. Knowing that my sister may have to go through everything I went through is a hard pill to swallow. Thankfully, I will be able to help her if it turns out she does have Crohn's. She is still waiting on some tests to see if it is Crohn's or possibly Celiac's, or some other random disease. But hey maybe if she does have it we can have tele-dates at our remicade appointments.

On a good news front, the hubs put in his three weeks notice at his job!!!! He will be starting his new and exciting career in the beginning of July. I can't wait for him to only be working 40 hours a week again. I feel like I never get to see him,even though we live and work together. It will be seriously weird not having him at work with me everyday anymore, but I know this career change is going to make him so much happier. And really his happiness (and mine) is my #1 priority.

Ick...

Ugh, I have been fighting a cold for about a week now, and it sucks! I am a huge wimp when it comes to things like being sick. But this cold could not have come at a worse time. I was right on the edge of losing 15 pounds, but since I can't breathe right now I can't exactly work out, so I am stalled at 13 for now. I am kinda proud that I haven't made a pig of myself since I have been sick though. Normally I would be sitting on the couch drowning my sick sorrows in ice cream and ramen noodle.

I am going to be doing an insane amount of driving this weekend. I am driving to visit my Aunt 6 hours away on Friday, then coming back Sunday night and driving 6 hours the opposite direction to pick up our new puppy on Monday. Feeling like crud is not going to help with the whole non-stop driving thing.

In the more bad news front, it is looking like the wedding I did a cupcake tasting for is not going to work out in my favor. After the last round of samples I emailed the bride to see how everything was and she said the cupcakes tasted great, and she had one more tasting and then would get back to me. It's been over two weeks and I haven't heard anything, so I am assuming I didn't get it. I am pretty disappointed, I thought I had it locked up considering I offered them half of what cupcakes normally cost for a wedding since I am so new at this. Oh well, I guess that is two vacation days I can use for something else.

I am hoping my hubby is going to be able to put in his two weeks notice at his current job in the next couple weeks. In between his training for the new job and work and trying to get time in with our various families and friends I feel like I never see him. I am so ready for this whole thing to but solidified and for him to be working one job again. Unfortunately the start date keeps changing for the new job. A lot of when it starts relies on the State government, and right now they are dragging their feet big time. It is very frustrating. For him too, I know he is miserable at the current job and just wants to be able to get away from there.

I hate having so much stuff just up in the air.