Instruments of Torture

That is what I saw everywhere I looked when I walked into the gym this morning. It was not a good gym day. I wanted to give up before I even stepped on the treadmill. But then I took out my phone and I looked at a couple pictures of my nephews and reminded myself why I am doing all this. I want a family, this is the only way I am going to get there. So I jumped on that damn hamster wheel for humans and suffered through 36 minutes of wanting to throw up or pass out.

While I was trudging along I started forming this post in my head. This is my motivation post. I am going to refer back to this post whenever I need a little extra kick in the exercise pants.

First an update on my progress thus far. Since I started my weight loss quest in April I have lost a total of 35 pounds. That is about a pound and a half a week. This is by far the most I have ever lost on a diet. I am noticing a difference in my clothes on an almost weekly basis now, which is pretty damn awesome.

Aaaaand now some motivation. these are the things I think about on the treadmill instead of the pain and sweat. First the whole reason I am here. Babies. Children. Family. More than anything else I want to be able to read my kids bed time stories. Sit at the dining room table and do math homework (I will only be a help up until about 6th grade then it is the hub's turn). I want to be embarrassed in the middle of Target when my kid has a tantrum over a toy. Seriously, I welcome it.


And once I get those kids, I want to be around for a very, very long time. I plan on torturing my kids with how actively I participate in their lives. I am sure I will annoy the crap out of them, like mine did for me. But hopefully when they reach their mid twenties they will be as close with us as I am with my Mom and Dad. Hopefully they will look back at all the basketball games, plays, and lectures about not smoking and thank me, like I do my parents. I am going to need to be healthy for that to happen.

I don't want my kids to be tortured at school because of their weight. I don't want my kids to come home every day from school crying because someone left a can of Slim Fast on their desk, or wrote a note in their year book saying they should work out over the summer. Maybe if I can fix my eating habits now, I will better be able to help my kids have good habits from the start. And maybe they won't get picked on quite as much as I did in school.

I want to go on a vacation with my husband and not be shrouded in big t-shirts and shorts on the beach. I am never going to be a bikini girl, I am cool with that. But it would be nice to feel comfortable in a bathing suit lounging on the deck of some cruise ship holding the hand of my hubs without the little voice in the back of my head telling me to cover up before someone sees me.


Those thoughts are what keep me going. And when those start to fail I fixate on the little pulsing digital hearts on the stationary bike monitors around me. I picture that little heart is beating in my belly, pumping away, telling me to keep going so we can meet. I picture seeing that little heart beat on an ultrasound monitor some day, instead of just seeing the little black circles in my ovaries that cycle after cycle don't turn into a baby. When I want to drop right there on the tread mill and let it shoot me back against the wall so I can just lay there not moving, that little green digital heart is what keeps me on my feet.

Harrisburg Cupcake Cup 2010

This weekend was the 2010 Harrisburg Cupcake Cup, and your favorite infertile crohnie baker entered in the amateur category. Unfortunately I did not win, but I had a damn good time baking all weekend and eating lots of cupcakes. And best of all the event raised almost $1500 for the Central Pa Food Bank!

I made Chai Caramel Cupcakes with Vanilla Buttercream. I think these may be my favorite of all the cupcakes I have ever made. So for your enjoyment here are just a couple pictures from the event, and don't forget to check out the recipe for my Chai Caramel Cupcakes at the bottom of the post.

Here are my cupcakes. The little pumpkin and leaf are homemade fondant that I spent hours shaping into little pumpkins.


Check out all the gorgeous cupcakes! The contestants really brought it this weekend, they were all very good!


The crowds were amazing! It was jam packed in the Midtown Scholar Bookstore.


And finally a last shot of my nephew chowing down on one of the cupcakes. He takes his cupcake tasting very seriously.


And here is the recipe:

Chai Cupcakes:
2 cups cake flour
1 cup all-purpose flour
2 cups sugar
1 tablespoon baking powder
3/4 teaspoon salt
1 tablespoon black tea (grind in coffee or spice grinder)
1 tablespoon ground cardamom
1 tablespoon cinnamon
1 teaspoon ground ginger
1/2 teaspoon ground cloves
1 cup unsalted butter
4 large eggs
1 cup whole milk
1 tablespoon vanilla extract


Directions:
Preheat oven to 325 degrees. Line cupcake pans with paper liners; set aside. In the bowl of an electric mixer fitted with the paddle attachment combine all the dry ingredients; mix on low speed until combined. Add butter, mixing until just coated with flour.

In a large glass measuring cup, whisk together eggs, milk, and vanilla. With mixer on medium speed, add wet ingredients in 3 parts, scraping down sides of bowl before each addition; beat until ingredients are incorporated but do not over beat.

Divide batter evenly among liners, filling about 2/3 full. Bake, rotating pan halfway through, until a cake tester inserted in the center comes out clean, 17 to 20minutes.
Transfer to a wire rack to cool completely.

Caramel Sauce:
1 cup sugar
1/2 cup water
6 tablespoons butter (room temp.)
1/2 cup heavy whipping cream (room temp.)

Combine sugar and water in a large heavy sauce pan. Use at least a 2 or 3 quart pan. Heat the sugar mixture over medium high heat until it starts to boil. You have to pay close attention once it starts to boil because it will begin to caramelize very very quickly. When the sugar gets to be medium amber in color whisk in the butter and continue to whisk until all the butter has melted. The caramel will bubble A LOT this is why you need such a big pan, otherwise it would all bubble over and make a huge hot mess.

Once the butter has melted remove the pan from heat and count to five. After you count to five slowly pour in the heavy cream while whisking constantly. It will again bubble up a lot. Continue to whisk until the caramel has stopped bubbling and is completely smooth. Let stand in the pan for five to ten minutes then transfer to a glass bowl to continue cooling.

Once the caramel is cooled simply cut out a cone shape in the middle of your cupcakes and fill with about a teaspoon or two of the caramel sauce and top with some vanilla buttercream.

And here is the recipe for Vanilla Buttercream

Back To Work...

I was sprung from the hospital on Sunday and since then have just been taking it easy at home. The last time I had a flare (when I first got diagnosed) I tried rushing right back to work the day after being released from the hospital. And I didn't slow down on any of my duties. As a result I ended up bouncing in and out of the hospital three or four times before I got stabilized. This time I decided I was going to take three days off at home to see how I did. So far so good. Today is my first day back at work. I get dizzy sometimes thanks to the meds and having to run around the building and being on a low residue (low-fiber) diet doesn't help either, but for the most part I am fine.

Thanks to the liquid diet and puking I lost 2 pounds while in the hospital. I was on very high doses of IV steroids while in the hospital, and I will be on them orally for at least a month, possibly two. I am very nervous about what the steroids are going to do for my weight loss efforts. Last time I was on high doses of Prednisone I wasn't actively trying to lose weight so I didn't really pay attention to that aspect of things. This time I am determined to lose this weight as quickly and safely as possible. The problem is Prednisone makes you feel ravenously hungry all. the. time. I literally feel like there is a giant empty hole in the pit of my stomach all day long, including right after I eat a meal. I am trying to eat several small meals a day to try and compensate, but so far I have had to just suck it up and deal with feeling hungry all the time.

Prednisone also makes you retain water like crazy, so I am waiting for my ankles and face to start swelling any day now. My fingers are already getting there. I expect I won't be able to wear my wedding rings for much longer which makes me very sad. I love my rings, they are perfect and my husband put so much thought into them, I hate not being able to wear them. I am going to take a before shot tonight of my face, and then after the swelling starts I will take an after shot so you can see the difference the 'roids make. Patients call it Moon Face. Everything just gets bigger and rounder, and it doesn't go away until you have been off the steroids for a few weeks.

I am anxious to see what my regular GI doctor has to say about all this happening. Dr. W is awesome (and very cute) and I know he won't mind sitting there answering all my questions, which is the sign of a good doctor in my book. The main concern is that this flare started exactly a week after my last Remicade infusion. This really shouldn't happen. Remicade has kept me in remission for the past three-four years, I have no clue why this happened now all of a sudden. I am also concerned about what we will do from here on out. Stay on remicade? Increase the frequency of infusions? Switch to another drug? I will definitely be getting a Colonoscopy in the next few weeks. That is always fun.

On a much lighter and more fun note, this weekend is the Harrisburg Cupcake Cup 2010! I am making Chai Caramel Cupcakes with Vanilla Bean Buttercream, and I will be making fondant pumpkins and leaves as decoration. I am very excited at the prospect of doing something just for fun, and I am taking that one day off of my diet so I can eat a couple cupcakes. Plus, I took the day off work for the occasion, which is always a bonus. I am going to teach my DH how to use my camera so that he can document the whole day from baking to judging, so expect a huge photo heavy post sometime next week. And of course I will post the recipe as well after the competition. Wish me Luck!

Live From the Hospital

It's your favorite Crohn's patient! That's right, since my body has decided it truly hates me it decided that the week after finding out I am not pregnant was a great time to start a Crohn's flare up. Awesome. And in typical Chrissy style, I had to do it stages. Tuesday night started the severe cramping an nausea, so I made an ER run. They pumped me full of drugs and sent me home with some nice 'roids. Flash forward to Wednesday night I am in even more pain. So much so that I can't take it. Even though I know what the ER docs will say, that the steroids haven't had enough time to work yet, to stick with them and the all liquid all the time diet and in a few days I will feel better. Ok, you sit here for the next three days feeling like someone is trying to rip your Colon out of your belly-button and then say that to me again Doc.

So just as they were discharging me Wednesday night I went to the bathroom to get changed into my clothes and promptly started throwing up everywhere. I knew it was going to happen about ten seconds before hand. Just enough time to yell to my Mom in my room to get a nurse. Can I just tell everyone how painful it is to throw up when you haven't eaten anything substantial in two days. It really and truly sucks. So the nurse rushes in, sees me puking and rushes back out to get my Dr. Once I stop throwing up long enough to come out of the bathroom he says "Ok we will admit you." Gee thanks doc. Once you start puking they have to admit you b/c they have to carefully watch your hydration levels, especially when you have been eating less than 1000 calories a day on a liquid diet.

So here I sit, in my tiny cramped hospital room, with guard rails on the sides of my bed and an IV sticking out of the crook of my elbow. I have been here so many times before it almost feels like home. Not quite though which explains why I am writing this at 2:30am. I can never sleep at night in hospitals. Don't know why. During the day no problem, night no way no how.

I have no clue how long I will be in here. Hopefully only a day or two more. There will be lots of tests and scans I am sure. More Steroids and various other drugs as well. Gaggles of doctors will troop in and out of my room through out the day and insist on poking my very tender, sore belly. And hopefully tomorrow I will get up graded to light solids. I love that I am excited about the prospect of bland chicken from the hospital.

3 Follies + 50 million Sperm =

No baby for us. I am pretty sure I have said it before, and I will say it again now. I have no clue how it is physically possible to have multiple eggs release, millions upon millions of sperm injected directly into my uterus (fairly small organ btw) with perfect timing, and still not get pregnant. It just doesn't make sense. I was so so hopeful at the beginning of this cycle too. But once I heard what my progesterone level was, I just lost all hope. I knew this wouldn't be our month. I have come to terms with it now, so the phone call from the nurse this afternoon really wasn't that painful. It is just the norm at this point.

So our plan from here is to take another break. I am now convinced we will not get PG through anything other than IVF. Sometimes I even wonder if that will do it for us. I have about 40 pounds to lose before we can start IVF. I lost about 30 pounds in 5 months before this cycle, and I have only gained 1 pound back, so I am hoping I will be able to lose the rest of the weight in 6-7 months. That is about a pound and a half a week, totally do-able.

I was thinking about doing the South Beach Diet, but I know myself, and I know I would not be able to do a diet that cuts out an entire food group. Plus after the initial carb-less two weeks, there is a huge emphasis on whole grains, which would not be good for Crohn's. And the good old Crohn's has been treating me really well lately, so I don't want to mess with that. Instead I am going to stick with sparkpeople.

I started back up at the gym today, and have decided that starting next week I will be working out twice a day. I will go to the gym and either run/bike/do a class in the mornings then after work do either yoga or the 30 Day Shred in the evenings. Hopefully that will push things along at a nice clip.

My hope is that we will be able to get IVF rolling by Easter. I actually kind of like the idea of not cycling during the winter. I hated having to trek for an hour through the snow just to get bloodwork or an ultrasound.

I also decided I am not going to keep track of my cycles this break. I tried on our last break, and it was just annoying and obviously it isn't going to help anything, so I am just going to chill, focus on getting as healthy as is humanly possible. That's my plan and I am sticking to it.

No Hope

I have lost all hope for this cycle. I talked to my nurse at the fertility clinic and my progesterone level(P4) was only 7.5. That is with taking 600mg of prometrium a day, which is supposed to raise your P4 levels. The P4 level indicates whether or not you ovulated and it also helps prepare your uterus for pregnancy. My P4 indicates that I probably did ovulate, but for a medicated cycle it is supposed to be over 15. So mine is half what it is supposed to be.

I am supposed to be getting a prescription for a new drug (just add it to the fing list) called progesterone in oil, or PIO. It is an intramuscular injection, which should be fun. The hubs and I have to go in tomorrow to learn how to do these new injections. The best part is no local pharmacies stock the PIO so they have to order it and it won't be in until tomorrow afternoon.

So I already feel like this cycle is a failure. By this point in the 2ww if fertilization would have happened then the embryo should already be implanted in my uterus. But if my levels are so low I have no faith that my uterus is doing any good right now. So the debate now is when I get a negative pregnancy test next week should we do another cycle right away of injections, IUI and PIO or should we take another break for me to lose the rest of the weight for IVF. Part of me wants to give IUI another shot with the PIO for the whole 2ww, maybe that will make the difference. But the other part thinks that we need to stop dicking around with IUIs and get the IVF train rolling. I don't know. Right now I just want to get a big tube of cookie dough and some depressing movies and cry for the rest of the night.

Here We Go....

Well this cycle went much faster than I expected. After only four days of stims I am triggered, and early tomorrow morning we will go in for our first of two back to back inseminations. I am so excited and hopeful I can't even describe it.

In total I have six follicles, but only three have the possibility of being mature enough to factor into this cycle. I had three on the right all measuring around 10mm. These are the three that will not be mature enough. I also have three on the left. One is at 18.5mm, one at 15mm, and the last at 14mm. Typically a follicle grows between 1-2mm per day, they need to be over 17mm for them to be considered mature. So it is possible that those two smaller ones will be mature enough to release by ovulation time. This is the best result we could have asked for with this cycle. We wanted two to three mature follies at ovulation, and that is what we got.

I am trying as hard as I can not to get my expectations too high, but it is very hard. I will admit I have been looking at baby stuff a lot more this week than i usually do. It doesn't help that I have a baby shower to go to next weekend and my nephew's birthday is coming up soon. But I don't just look at stuff for other people's kids, I look at stuff for our kids. I look at the things I would want for our babies. I imagine how i will tell people we are pregnant, and how our house would be with a baby around. I can't stop my mind from wandering to those places. And honestly I don't want to stop it. I will worry about the fall out later if this cycle doesn't work.