Life on Repeat

If my life were an Ipod it would be stuck on repeat. My days have become one long routine that just cycle over and over and over.

8am: Wake Up, let dogs out, eat breakfast
9am: Go to Yoga or Body Pump, and run on the treadmill
11am: Home - plan dinner, do housework, feed dogs, watch TV, eat lunch
1:30pm: Get ready for work, talk to the hubby when he wakes up
3pm: Work
12am: Go home, let dogs out, watch 1 hour of TV
1:30am: Sleep

Repeat.

As much as I hate it, this is the way my life has to be right now. If I don't follow this routine then I will fall off the wagon and start packing the pounds back on. I wish I could press shuffle on my life. Throw in a day trip to Philly, an AHL hockey game, buy a ticket to Vegas and go spend a couple uninterrupted days of just me, the hubs, some good food and not a gym in site. But the slightest change in routine and I lose all will power. A trip to Philly would result in cheese-steaks, desserts, and dinners in Indian restaurants. An AHL game would be filled with hot dogs, pretzels and funnel cake. Vegas would be pure culinary sin.

Here is an example of one little change in the routine throwing everything off. I went to my parents' house on Monday and hung out with my sis and nephews. We went pumpkin picking, took some pictures and just had a great time. Then we go back to the house and I proceed to stuff my face with vegetarian 7-layer dip, tortilla chips, and tuna noodle casserole. I can't help it, the minute I step in my childhood home I feel the need to eat everything in sight. Thankfully I had worked out like a maniac that morning, so I didn't gain any weight from my moment of weakness.

Life right now just seems so life-less. Everything I do and think is about losing weight and getting ready for IVF. I want to shake things up. I want to figure out a way to have one day without worrying about whether or not we are ever going to have our family. I want a day to just enjoy being a married couple with nothing but two dogs tying us to this place. I want a day where I don't feel like a failure or a broken woman. But if I take that one day, I am afraid I will be sacrificing my one chance to have a family. I know it isn't logical, but let's face it, fear isn't always logical.