Hello Other Shoe, I've Been Expecting You

I am having an allergic reaction to the Lupron. I have never had an allergic reaction to anything before, and let me tell you it blows! I have a red rash (kinda like heat rash) all over my arms, chest, shoulders, and back. It itches like mad! I also feel incredibly run down, but not sure if that is due to the Lupron or the massive amounts of Benadryl I have been taking in the past 24 hours.

So, obviously I have stopped the Lupron injections. Which may or may not screw up my cycle. I was only on it for two days, so there is the hope that it won't derail things too much, but there is also a possibility it will delay my period for about a week to two weeks. I was supposed to get it Wednesday, I am kinda doubting that is going to happen now. Which, again, blows. But I suppose I have waited five months to get started again, so another week or two isn't going to kill me.

Thanks to this whole episode I can feel some of the old anger creeping in. Most the time I am pretty calm about the whole fertility treatment thing. I get sad sometimes, and discouraged. But most the time I am OK. Before we started seeing Dr. F I was a mess though. I was pissed and depressed and just in a bad way. Knowing there is help out there has helped a lot. But this has driven me one step closer to my emotional edge.

Today I am pissed. Pissed that I have to inject myself nightly, get horrible rashes that interfere with going to work and living my life. Pissed that I have to do all this so that I can have the hope of achieving something that most women can do without thinking. I know so many women that have gotten pregnant when they didn't want a baby, didn't love the father, and weren't ready for motherhood. I am pissed at them all right now. Here I am ready, willing, desperately in love with my husband, and all I get are bruises and welts from injections. I get two years of pain and heart ache and hopelessness. And really there is no end in sight.

I knew things were going too well. I even said it a couple posts back. The other shoe was going to drop. Hello other shoe, you suck! I feel bad because I have been taking my anger out on my husband. But he is there, and I know he will love me no matter what, so sometimes it is just easier to be mad at him for stupid stuff than at the whole world. I know it is unfair, but I think he gets it. I just want this week to be over. I want it to be next week. I have all of next week off of work. I have massages and day trips to visit my sister and one of my best friends planned. I have plans to take beautiful pictures of my gorgeous niece. I have plans to sit on my butt and do absolutely nothing. I can't wait for nothing.