I seem to be thinking about disappearing a lot lately, and not just because I am baking magician themed cupcakes for a little boy's birthday party this week. There are days when I just want to grab Garry and our dogs and disappear to some island. Completely isolate ourselves from everything and everyone we know. To try and just be happy with the two of us, no possibility of fertility treatments or false hopes. Just us doing what we do best, chilling out together.
There are days that I want to block every pregnant couple, new parent, old parent on my facebook. Just make them all disappear. Because there are days that their happiness feels like salt in my wounds. Thankfully those days are still few and far between. Most days I can talk to my pregnant friends about morning sickness and nurseries and be genuinely happy for them, and not even that sad for me. But some days seeing a pregnancy announcement on Facebook makes me want to curl into a ball and disappear.
There are days I can feel parts of myself disappearing. I have always been a fairly optimistic person, I always believed things would work out eventually. I don't always believe that any more. I have always thought if I did things right and worked hard, tried to be a good person that things would work out. But now I know that isn't always the case. It may not matter that I waited till I found the love of my life to get married and have a kid. It doesn't matter that I work hard at my job and do more work then I am actually paid for. It doesn't matter that I have tried to be kind to people even when they didn't really treat me the same way. The odds are still going to be in favor of me not having a child, not getting my dream job or even promoted, and I am never going to make everyone like me. It just isn't how it works. I feel sad thinking about my optimism seeping out of me. I never wanted to be someone who looked on the darker side of things, but that is what is slowly happening.
I know I am lucky to have found a man that I love and who loves me so completely. And most the time I do feel lucky just to be with him at all. But the closer we get to IVF #2 the more terrified I become that it will fail and a little bit more of me, our relationship, my hope will disappear.