Tomorrow morning I will make the 45 minute trek out to my RE's office for a 5 minute appointment to get my blood drawn for a completely pointless test. I am not pregnant. I know this. 3 First Response Tests have confirmed this. But I can't officially close the books on IVF #2 until that little vial of blood gets filled and analyzed.
This hurts. A lot. More than I thought it would. I tried to talk myself into not being optimistic this cycle. I knew the odds were just as good for failure as they were for success. But still my hopes were raised, and once again I have to deal with the crash.
One of the down sides of having everyone in my life know about our struggles is that I have to tell everyone when another cycle doesn't work. Having to make the same email, text, phone call over and over just drives it home even more. And I have to listen as they tell me it will be OK, maybe it is too early, the next one will work, etc. I know everyone means well, but they don't know my reality. My reality is that I have one more shot at becoming pregnant, and then we are done. If we use my sister's eggs for our next cycle then I have already lost my chance of having a child that is half me, half Garry. Sure I will still be in the genetic mix, but losing that chance of the perfect mix of myself and the man I love in one perfect little wiggly package is a loss that two years ago I couldn't even imagine.
Honestly, right now, the idea of cycling ever again is enough to bring tears to my eyes. Even with my sister's eggs. I am not sure I can handle having the hope that I can never quite suppress ripped away again. If I had to make the decision right now, I would want to start the adoption process without ever doing a third IVF. I know that adoption provides a set of problems, heartaches, and frustrations all it's own, but at least there wouldn't be the stress to my body. I wouldn't be injecting myself with drugs that give me headaches, acne, mood swings, and bruises dotting my stomach, legs and butt. I would be able to make phone calls, fill out paper work, actively work towards this goal of parenthood while still feeling like myself, not a Zombified version of me. But I can't make that decision on my own. My other half has to be part of it. And I know he wants to do our last IVF. He wants to explore every option to have a child that is at least partially biologically ours before we seriously start the adoption journey. If we start the adoption journey. He still isn't 100% sold on the idea.
But even with the extreme heartbreak I am feeling today, I know there is still work to be done. Getting that work done is what is keeping me going right now. I have to settle up my accounts with my current RE because we will most likely not be cycling with him again, as much as I like the guy. And we will be getting a sizable refund from him. I am making appointments with a larger clinic to get our options for a final IVF cycle. I have gained about 10-15 pounds back over the past 4 months, I need to get back to work on losing that weight, and I want to get under 250 before we cycle again. That is about 40 pounds and six months away.
I also made an appointment with a local adoption agency to get some information. Thankfully Garry is OK with going in for a simple information gathering session. If we go the adoption route our house will need a lot of work done to it before we start a home study, so I will slowly be checking things off that list as well.
Garry and I will also be going to counseling starting in a few weeks. We need to talk through both of our feelings about adoption. I won't lie, I am hoping I can sway him to my way of thinking, that adoption can be just as beautiful as giving birth. I am hoping therapy will help him to see that any child could be our child, not just one genetically linked to us. I also need to talk through my depression over the knowledge that I may never care for a newborn. If we do adoption we will go the foster-to-adopt route because of finances (we don't have $30k+ to spend on domestic infant or international adoption). That means that we will more than likely parent a child starting between the ages of 1 and 5. I am basically OK with this, but I will admit I am sad that I may never get to experience the cuddly newborn stage when they aren't running away from us.
No matter what route we eventually choose, no big decisions will be made for the next4-6 months. I need a break, physically and emotionally. We will re-evaluate in November and see what we want to do then. We probably won't do our 3rd and final IVF till January. In the meantime I will get healthy again, and Garry and I will continue to focus on being happy with only us, just in case we end up living child-free.
Showing posts with label BFN. Show all posts
Showing posts with label BFN. Show all posts
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
It's Official...
I waited till I got the official results back from my RE to post, but I am writing this the day before I go in for my beta. It is over. It didn't work. I am not pregnant. I am heartbroken. There is no accurate way to describe how sad I am right now. How do you mourn something you never really had? I feel broken and empty, and it feels like it will always be this way.
I feel bad for Garry too. He has no clue what to do or say to make me feel better. Probably because there is no way to make me feel better. He keeps saying it will work next time and we still have two more shots at IVF. But it isn't that easy, right now all I see when I think about our next cycle is more disappointment and pain. I don't think I will ever get the optimism I had for this cycle back. I have heard stories of women doing 6 or 7 IVFs before they got their take home baby.
I keep trying to imagine our lives without children. And as much as I love Garry with everything I have, the thought of the two of us puttering around our house alone with our dogs for the rest of our lives makes me want to curl up in bed and sleep for as long as is possible. No kids waking us up at the crack of dawn on Christmas morning to go open presents, no first trips to the beach, no reading books before bedtime. Just the two of us watching TV and going to the movies every date night for the rest of our lives. I know eventually I could be happy and not feel like we are missing out, but right now I don't even want to try and imagine how it will feel.
I feel bad for Garry too. He has no clue what to do or say to make me feel better. Probably because there is no way to make me feel better. He keeps saying it will work next time and we still have two more shots at IVF. But it isn't that easy, right now all I see when I think about our next cycle is more disappointment and pain. I don't think I will ever get the optimism I had for this cycle back. I have heard stories of women doing 6 or 7 IVFs before they got their take home baby.
I keep trying to imagine our lives without children. And as much as I love Garry with everything I have, the thought of the two of us puttering around our house alone with our dogs for the rest of our lives makes me want to curl up in bed and sleep for as long as is possible. No kids waking us up at the crack of dawn on Christmas morning to go open presents, no first trips to the beach, no reading books before bedtime. Just the two of us watching TV and going to the movies every date night for the rest of our lives. I know eventually I could be happy and not feel like we are missing out, but right now I don't even want to try and imagine how it will feel.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
3 Follies + 50 million Sperm =
No baby for us. I am pretty sure I have said it before, and I will say it again now. I have no clue how it is physically possible to have multiple eggs release, millions upon millions of sperm injected directly into my uterus (fairly small organ btw) with perfect timing, and still not get pregnant. It just doesn't make sense. I was so so hopeful at the beginning of this cycle too. But once I heard what my progesterone level was, I just lost all hope. I knew this wouldn't be our month. I have come to terms with it now, so the phone call from the nurse this afternoon really wasn't that painful. It is just the norm at this point.
So our plan from here is to take another break. I am now convinced we will not get PG through anything other than IVF. Sometimes I even wonder if that will do it for us. I have about 40 pounds to lose before we can start IVF. I lost about 30 pounds in 5 months before this cycle, and I have only gained 1 pound back, so I am hoping I will be able to lose the rest of the weight in 6-7 months. That is about a pound and a half a week, totally do-able.
I was thinking about doing the South Beach Diet, but I know myself, and I know I would not be able to do a diet that cuts out an entire food group. Plus after the initial carb-less two weeks, there is a huge emphasis on whole grains, which would not be good for Crohn's. And the good old Crohn's has been treating me really well lately, so I don't want to mess with that. Instead I am going to stick with sparkpeople.
I started back up at the gym today, and have decided that starting next week I will be working out twice a day. I will go to the gym and either run/bike/do a class in the mornings then after work do either yoga or the 30 Day Shred in the evenings. Hopefully that will push things along at a nice clip.
My hope is that we will be able to get IVF rolling by Easter. I actually kind of like the idea of not cycling during the winter. I hated having to trek for an hour through the snow just to get bloodwork or an ultrasound.
I also decided I am not going to keep track of my cycles this break. I tried on our last break, and it was just annoying and obviously it isn't going to help anything, so I am just going to chill, focus on getting as healthy as is humanly possible. That's my plan and I am sticking to it.
So our plan from here is to take another break. I am now convinced we will not get PG through anything other than IVF. Sometimes I even wonder if that will do it for us. I have about 40 pounds to lose before we can start IVF. I lost about 30 pounds in 5 months before this cycle, and I have only gained 1 pound back, so I am hoping I will be able to lose the rest of the weight in 6-7 months. That is about a pound and a half a week, totally do-able.
I was thinking about doing the South Beach Diet, but I know myself, and I know I would not be able to do a diet that cuts out an entire food group. Plus after the initial carb-less two weeks, there is a huge emphasis on whole grains, which would not be good for Crohn's. And the good old Crohn's has been treating me really well lately, so I don't want to mess with that. Instead I am going to stick with sparkpeople.
I started back up at the gym today, and have decided that starting next week I will be working out twice a day. I will go to the gym and either run/bike/do a class in the mornings then after work do either yoga or the 30 Day Shred in the evenings. Hopefully that will push things along at a nice clip.
My hope is that we will be able to get IVF rolling by Easter. I actually kind of like the idea of not cycling during the winter. I hated having to trek for an hour through the snow just to get bloodwork or an ultrasound.
I also decided I am not going to keep track of my cycles this break. I tried on our last break, and it was just annoying and obviously it isn't going to help anything, so I am just going to chill, focus on getting as healthy as is humanly possible. That's my plan and I am sticking to it.
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