Who wants to play the guessing game!

Because that is all I have been doing for the past three days.
I had a cramp on my right side, Could it be implantation?
I am nauseous, early morning sickness?
I got a pimple, oh no early AF warning?
I am exhausted, hurry google whatit means!

Yea I think I have officially crossed over into crazy town.

Five days until I start testing and I can stop with the guessing games. I am also going on tuesday morning to get a Glucose test. I think it was called the 1 hour fasting test. So we shall see what that turns up. If it comes back abnormal I may be starting a new drug, if not then I am either doing one more cycle with the same protocal or I am taking a break. We shall see.

The Crohn's Dilemma

So I know I have been talking a lot about the fertility stuff lately and not much else. So i figured I would write a little about Crohn's today.

So the Crohn's Dilemma is what I call the fear of going out into unknown situations. The first thing I look for whenever I go anywhere is the nearest bathroom. You never know when you are going to have to race to the bathroom when you have Crohn's. So it can be a little scary when you are going to do something that you don't know when or where there will be a bathroom. This a big reason why I don't hike. Well that and I don't like hiking.

However sometimes the dilemma will strike out of no where in a very familiar place. For instance this morning I went grocery shopping to the same store I always go shopping. Right when I was rounding the corner into the dairy aisle it hit. Cramping, feeling a little feverish, the undeniable need to run to the nearest bathroom. But what do I do with my full cart of groceries, including tons of frozen veggies. Thankfully the feeling passed after a minute of standing there debating. But it hit again in the check out line. I was lucky and held it till I got home. I grabbed the milk and frozen food and raced for the door. Threw everything on the counter, let the dogs out and ran for the bathroom. I was really doubting I would make it, but crisis averted, I made it.

I joined a blog roll!

I am not the most the most knowledgeable blogger on earth. I kinda just opened the site and started typing. But I am learning as I go along. I have been incredibly bored the past couple days because my hubby is at training for his new job every morning. As a result I have done some exploring and added a couple features to the blog.

First I joined a blog roll! Yay! I don't actually know what that means. I think my blog will just show up in a list of blogs about infertility. I added a link on the left to the blog roll if anyone wants to find some new ones to follow.

I also added an at a glance list of our Infertility treatments so far. It was a little depressing listing all that crap, but I am hoping it doesn't grow too much more. I also added a list of the blogs I follow. There are a couple about IF and a couple about baking. So I hope these things add to the blogging/reading experience. Enjoy!

IUI # 3 Complete...

We went to our third IUI this morning at the crack of dawn and it went really well. My cervix wasn't nearly as b*tchy as it normally is which was nice. The hubinators sperm count rocked. Post wash it was 47 million, which is 2 million more than the last cycle.

I have a very very good feeling about this cycle. I feel like we got the timing perfect, I have been having pain on my right ovary area all day, which I am hoping is my ovulation pain, and there are tons of swimmers to meet the egg when it gets released. Plus my RE decided to put me on the progesterone supplements earlier this cycle. Normally I don't take them until 7 dpIUI when I get my blood work. But he said since my P2 level has been low for three cycles in a row we are going to assume I have an issue there and treat it early. So I will be on 200mg of Prometrium vaginally three times a day until the pregnancy test. Nothing quite as fun as shoving a little pill in your nether regions while at work.

On a funny note, I couldn't stop thinking about the special that was on the NeoGeo channel last week "Sizing Up Sperm" the whole time we were at the RE's. The show basically showed what the journey of sperm was like if they were the size of humans, it was actually pretty interesting. I kept envisioning the people that they used as sperm in the show getting washed in the centrifuge, or all the people crowded into the cath for the procedure. It actually kinda freaked me out. I mentioned this to my RE right after he did the insemination and he thought it was hilarious. So now I feel like I have a bunch of little people running around in my Uterus. Let's hope they find their target!

Can't Sleep....

My IUI is in 4 hours and I can't sleep. I fell asleep at about 1am and woke up again at 2:15 am. I was so sure when I woke up that it was going to be time to get up and get going. Now I can't get back to sleep. It partly nerves I know. The procedure is super easy (just like a pap only my cervix likes to be stupid) I am just pertrified I am getting my hopes up too much. I want this to work so much. I keep visualizing how I will react when I get the news that I am PG, or how I will tell my family. I even daydream about giving birth and sleepless nights. Which is kinda ironic.

I envy my husband so much! He is upstairs right now snoaring away, not a care in the world. He gets to wake up roll over do his buisness and he just has to go along for the ride the rest of the day. Sometimes being a dude does seem so much simpler.

For the few who don't know...

So I know that most people that follow me (all 19 of you!) know what a trigger shot is, but I figured those of you who don't might like a little more info. Let me set the scene for you:
It is 7:30 pm on a Friday night. I am at work, I have no choice but to do the injection in the work bathroom. So I stuff the box into my purse and slink through the hallways. Once in the bathroom I get a huge length of paper towels and lay it on the back of the toilet tank. I open the box to find a little plastic sleeve with a pre-filled syringe. Inside this little syringe is a pre-determined amount of Ovidrel. The best description I have found for what a trigger does is "Ovidrel PreFilled Syringe is used in fertility treatment cycles to help follicles mature and trigger the release of mature eggs from a woman's ovaries." It is a subcutaneous (just under the skin) injection. The actual injection really isn't that bad b/c it is such a small needle. Barely bigger than my pinkie finger nail. Once everything is all lined up on the back of the toilet I tuck my shirt into my bra and fold my jeans down. I will spare you the pics of my bare belly. Next I clean an area about an inch from my belly button with an alcohol swap. Then I squeeze the injection area between two fingers, inject the needle into the skin and squeeze the plunger on the syringe. Withdraw the needle and let go of the skin. TaDa! I am triggered! And I did it with out any of my fellow co-workers finding out that I just shot up in the bathroom.

Now in exactly 34.5 hours my wonderful and understanding hubby with do his thang into a cup, we will rush to the fertility clinic with the specimen tucked safely between my legs to keep it warm. Once we arrive the lab tech will wash the sample so that all that is left are my hubby's very best sperm, and exactly 36 hours after the injection they will use his washed sperm to inseminate me.

Let's hope I never have to do a post like this for intramuscular injections because this cycle will work!!! (see that is me being optimistic)

Yay!!! Good Follie Check!

Finally I get to post about something good! I had my follie check for IUI#3 today. I am on cd9 and I have one follicle on the right measuring at 20mm and one on the left at 16mm. The RN doesn't think the smaller one on the left will factor in, which is fine with me, it only takes one!

I will be doing the trigger shot tonight and the IUI will be Sunday morning at 7am, ouch that is early. I am so happy I insisted on coming in for the ultrasound today instead of Monday. Monday may have been too late.

The timing of this thing actually works perfectly. I was really worried all week that the IUI would be Wednesday or Thursday, which would have been tough because the hubster is starting his training for his new job this week. His training goes from 8am - noon Monday - Friday and he still has to work from 2pm - midnight Wednesday - Saturday. So trying to fit an insemination in there would have been rough.

I am oddly optimistic about this cycle. The timing just seems so perfect, plus if I got PG on this cycle I would be due right around the hubinator's b-day. I have said stuff like this before though and it hasn't worked out, but I just have a very good feeling, and I am going to try and keep up the positive additude for the rest of this cycle. No more negative Chrissy! I am going to give this cycle every chance I can, even if it means being annoyingly upbeat.

So over being sick....

So this is going to be one big whiny post. Feel free to skip it. I have a wicked head cold. My head is killing me, my nose is totally clogged, and my sinuses are clogged. Add to that I am having "stomach issues." I have been nauseous all day, and I can't find my anti-nausea meds, so that sucks too. And to pile even more suckiness onto the heaping pile of suckiness, I am on my fourth day of Clomid and my hot flashes are insane. And let me tell you hot flashes + fever = misery.

I am so pissed because I wanted to get back into working out this week, but I can't workout when it is this hard to breathe. I haven't worked out since before my last insemination, I am always way too nervous to workout during the 2ww. I am petrified that if I do something the slightest bit wrong in that fourteen days I will not get pregnant. So i don't drink caffeine, don't drink booze, don't workout, and very rarely have sex in the two weeks after the IUI. As a result I haven't lost any weight in a while. I am sticking to my diet pretty well (with the exception of this weekend) but I am standing still. But all I have done the past two days is sit on the couch, watch Alias episodes and eat soup.

It is so discouraging, because I know I won't be able to move on to the next level of treatment without losing all this extra weight I have gotten since college. The thought that I won't get pregnant because of my own weakness and inability to control my weight is on my mind all the time, which isn't helping the sinus headache any.

Back on the Rollercoaster

Aunt Flow showed today, I am miserable. I have been lucky the past couple months in that my first couple cycle days were on my days off. No such luck this time, so I had to call in sick b/c I tend to have mini-flares of Crohn's when I get my period and can't be far from a bathroom for very long. I start my Clomid on Saturday (yay Clomid crazies!).

This will be our last shot at a 2010 baby. If we get PG on this cycle my Estimated Due Date (EDD) will be 12-17-10. I know it is really sad that I know my EDD already. But hey I have had two baby names for both girls and boys picked out since the hubs and I started talking about trying, and I have known how I would decorate the nursery since we moved into our house (before we were married).

And now I have to go make 40 Ice Cream Cupcakes for a baby shower at my Mom's office tomorrow. Ugh,I have to try and match the buttercream to the bedding the Mom-to-be picked out, so I will be spending the night staring at a picture of a nursery on the pottery barn website. I will post pictures later.

Nope not yet...

I had my official blood test today for IUI#2 Take 3. And as suspected (well really confirmed after 6 home pregnancy tests) I am not pregnant. Even with the 6 HPTs all being negative, hearing the nurse's sad voice when I picked up the phone was just awful. I wanted to hang up on her right away so I wouldn't have to hear her say the standard negative speech. "Hi Chrissy, I am sorry to say I don't have good news. You aren't pregnant." The same exact words she said the first time she ever called me with bad news.

I thought I was so prepared for this, but i am just crushed. I thought once both my tubes were open it would be easy-peasy to get PG. Apparently not so much. So the hubs and I have spent all day running errands and doing house renovation work to keep my mind off of it. But I keep going back to the same bad thought; what if it never happens?

The plan for the next cycle is exactly the same as this one. 150mg Clomid starting cycle day 3, follie check on cd 10, and hopefully trigger and IUI somewhere around cd 14. I just have to wait for good old Aunt Flow to show her face so we can get it rolling. I am also going to set up a consultation with my RE to talk about doing an injectables IUI if this one doesn't work. If the injectables doesn't work either than I am going to take an extended break to focus completely on losing weight and then hopefully start IVF in July or August.

So here we go, medicated cycle #7 and IUI #3 are just around the corner. ::sigh::

The Search for Great Low Fat Desserts Continues...

As you all know I am on a quest to lose 50 pounds by this summer. But I am also not a happy camper if I don't get my dessert every once in a while. So I have charged myself with the task of making super tasty yet healthy(ish)desserts. Here are two of the latest additions to that mission.

Black Bean Mint Brownies (better than they sound)

1 can (15.5oz) Balck Beans (washed and rinsed)
3 eggs
3 tbsp Canola Oil
1/2 cup Granulated Sugar
1/4 cup Splenda
3/4 cup Cocoa Powder
1 tsp Baking Powder
1 tbsp Vanilla Extract
1 tsp Mint Extract
1/2 cup Mint Chocolate Chips

Pre-heat oven to 350 degrees.

Puree the washed black beans in a food processor until smooth and creamy. Add the next 8 ingredients to the food processor and and mix until ingredients are combined thoroughly and smooth.

Pour mixture into a greased 8x8 pan and sprinkle the chocolate chips over the mixture. Bake for 25 minutes or until toothpick comes out clean. Let cool and cut into 25 squares.

Calories: 94
Fat: 4
Carbs: 13.3
Dietary Fiber: 2.8

The Second Recipe is Reduced Fat Roasted Banana Cupcakes with Peanut Butter Buttercream. Let's face it you are never going to be able to make an awesome cupcake that is completely healthy, but I think this is about as close as it gets. The original recipe for the cupcake came from Martha Stewart, I lighted it up a lot.

Reduced Fat Roasted Banana Cupcakes with Peanut Butter Buttercream
3 Bananas
2 cups Cake Flour
1/2 tsp Baking Soda
1/2 tsp Baking Powder
1 tsp Salt
1/2 cup Sugar
1/4 cup Splenda
1 stick Unsalted Light Butter
1 Large Egg
2 large Egg Whites
1 tbsp Vanilla Extract
1/2 cup Fat Free Sour Cream

Pre-heat oven to 400 degrees. Place the bananas on a baking sheet with peels still on. Roast for about 10-15 minutes, the skins will turn brown (don't panic!).

While the bananas are roasting mix the flour through salt together in a bowl and set aside. Take the bananas oput of the oven and let cool in the fridge before you peel them (hot banana, hot banana.)

While the bananas cool mix the butter, sugar and splenda until light and fluffy. Add the egg whites and egg until blended. Add the vanilla extract. Peel the bananas and mas them with a fork or potato masher. Add to the butter mixture and mix till incorporated (will be pretty lumpy still.)

Add the flour mixture in three parts alternating with the sour cream and scraping down the sides of the bowl between additions. Scoop the batter into cupcake tins with cupcake liners and bake for 15-20 mintues or until toothpick comes out clean. Let cool and top with frosting.

Calories: 166
Fat: 6
Carbs: 25
Fiber: .9

Reduced Fat Peanut Butter Buttercream

1/2 cup Reduced Fat Peanut Butter
1/2 Light Butter
1 1/2 cup Powdered Sugar
1 tbsp Vanilla Extract
3 tbsp Skim Milk (more if needed)

Mix the PB and butter together until completely blended. Add powdered sugar 1/2 cup at a time alternating with milk and vanilla. Use more milk if you want a thinner frosting for pipping, or less for thicker froting for spreading.

Calories: 145
Fat: 6.5
Carbs: 19.9
Fiber: .3

Can I call your attention to...

The slideshow at the bottom of the page... all the way down. It is a slideshow of all of my baking endeavors! I hope to add more everyday from my huge back log of photos. Enjoy!

My emotions are getting the better of me....

I am crying at literally everything. The most insane things are making me sad. for instance I got dressed this afternoon and head out to work with my hubby (we don't need to be at work till 2pm) and I notice after I get to work that I have a not incignificant sized stain on my shirt from the chocolate bar the hubbster got me, and I start crying. Over a stain. I also cried today because I feel like I am being snappy with my husband, which I hate because I love him so much, and I don't want to be a pissy wife. And now I am crying again. At work.

I am not sure if it is all hormones either. I am sure they play a part. Mostly I think it is just sadness at another failed cycle. I know it isn't official until I get the blood work. But I pretty much already know that this cycle didn't work. I have taken three home pregnancy tests now and all three of them have been negative. I am only 12 days post IUI right now, so it is still early, but I just know that the results aren't going to change no matter how many days I do them. Monday I have my appointment to go get my blood test, and I am dreading the call I will get from the nurse telling me I am not pregnant. She is such a nice lady and she has the best bad news voice, but hearing the words make it so final. No more hope, it is just over.

On a side note, I think I am doing well with the weight loss, but don't know for sure b/c our dog broke my scale. But my jeans are loser so that is a good sign. Plus the low fiber diet is doing wonders for my Crohns, I haven't had even a tiny bit of pain or nausea since I have been sticking to the low fiber thing. So at least one thing is going my way.

100 Books in 1 Year Update...

So I am slightly behind in my count and it has only been two weeks since I started. Oops. I should read at least two a week and I have read two and a half so far. Here is what I have read so far:
1) The Tattooed Lady: A History - Pretty good, it kinda felt like the author went over a lot of the stuff multiple times without adding anything new. But it was cool learning about the side shows and tattooed ladies, and now I really want to take my husband to see a side show (or burlesque show)in DC.

2) Forrest of Hand and Teeth - Excellent! I could not put this book down, even at work. It is about a post-apocalyptic world where the "unconsecrated" have taken over and the girl/village that is trying to survive.

3) The Chronicles of Vladimir Todd Book 1- So far it is OK, another teenage vampire type story. We'll see, I am only a couple chapters into it.

I hope to step up my game coming and I am going to try to burn through three books a week including audio books.