Project IF....

A lot of you may know that this week is National Infertility Awareness Week. I am relatively private about my fertility issues, only close family and friends know about what we are going through. But I went out on a limb this week and posted a status update about NIAW. It was pretty generic. I wanted to do something more. So I have decided to participate in Project IF. Resolve and The Stirrup Queens Blog Roll put together a list of 'IF' statements and are asking bloggers to expand upon one of the statements in their blog. Here is mine:

What if I leave this job, with its amazing health insurance that covers everything IF-related, and my new job doesn’t have insurance with good IF coverage?

I worry about this a lot. It is no secret that I am miserable at my job. Before we started IF treatments I was submitting resumes to just about anyone I could find. Then we started trying to conceive. The first time I went to my RE's office for a consultation I thought I wouldn't have any coverage. In Pennsylvania there is no state mandated infertility coverage, so there was no reason to think I would have coverage. Then when I went to check out, expecting a huge bill. I found out I only had to pay a $20 co-pay. It turns out the headquarters for the company I work for are based in Maryland, which does have state mandated infertility coverage. I was so relieved I almost started crying, again, right there in the lobby of the RE's office. I found out that 100% of diagnostics, 6 IUIs, and 3 IVFs would be covered by my insurance. It was such a surprise, and one of the best surprises I have ever gotten.

But it also had its downside. I can't leave my job. It would take years for us to save up enough money to even afford the medications involved in an injectable IUI cycle, let alone IVF. But if I leave my job we would either have to stop and save for a few years, or take out a loan to cover one or two cycles. Anyone who has ever had trouble getting pregnant knows that when you want to start your family waiting is one of the hardest things.

So I have to stay at a job that I dread going to everyday. When I wake up the thing I look forward to the least is walking in the door to my place of employment. I should be dreading the chores I have piling up, or that day's workout, not work. It has always been my dream to write and direct children's television. I have to put my dreams on hold so that I have a chance at getting pregnant. It makes me even more afraid of the future. Even after I get pregnant (please, please, please), what if I want a second child? What if I can't find a job once I get pregnant? What if I am stuck at a job that makes me miserable for the rest of my life. What if PA never gets mandated infertility coverage?

This is a look at just one of the many 'IF' questions that runs through my head on a daily basis. If you are interested in learning more abour infertility awareness or NIAW please visit www.resolve.org/infertility101 oe www.resolve.org/takecharge. And if you want to see more 'IF' questions and get a peek into the mind of an infertile check out the list of 'IF' questions at http://www.stirrup-queens.com/2010/04/bloggers-unite-project-if/.

The last part of the project is to end my post with a new positive IF question.

What IF going through all this pain will make me appreciate my children even more than I already would have?

Take Your Kid to Work Day....

Is killing me. We have quite a few little kids running around here today, plus a 2nd grade class is getting a tour, and it is making me so sad. I have a hard enough time seeing my own nephews and nieces when I am having a down day, other people's kids really get to me. I have been sitting at a desk away from my department for most of the afternoon because my supervisor had his two adorable little kids here. I have known them for a while, and normally I would love to hang out and play with them, but today I just couldn't do it. Hearing kids call their Moms and Dads just gives me a jolt to the heart. I want to be called Mommy so bad, and want to hear my husband called Daddy. Just sitting there hearing this little two year old ask his Dad for candy from the machine made me start to tear up. I feel bad I missed a live update because I couldn't bring myself to go upstairs while the kids were there. Really they can handle doing an update without me, but I still got bitched out by my supervisor. I would rather take that then break down crying in front of everyone and not be able to explain why to them.

I was kinda hoping that since I am not on any fertility drugs right now the extreme emotions would go away. But then I remember that I was overly emotional before the hormones. I have been fine most of the time, but the other day the hubby and I went to a local minor league baseball game, and sitting right in front of us was this man with is three year old daughter. She was so cute, dressed head to toe in pink with a "princess" baseball cap on. She kept taking off the princess cap and putting it on top of her dad's head and then laughing like it was the funniest thing on earth. My husband leaned over and said "I love that sound, little kids laughing." I almost broke down crying right there. And ever since I have been just barely holding it together. I didn't even remember that today was take your child to work day until I walked in the door.

To top it all off I have been charting to see if I will ovulate on my own without the aide of drugs, and it is looking like I won't. I am on cd15 and there is absolutely no sign of impending ovulation. A part of me was really hoping that my body would finally take over and do something right. No such luck. This blows. I really wish I could just go home and curl up in a ball and cry for the rest of the week. Unfortunately I have these damn things called responsibilities and bills that prevent me from doing things like playing hooky.

The Ups and Downs of Being on a Break

I really thought I was going to hate this whole break thing, but so far it hasn't been as bad as I thought it would. Granted it has only been a couple weeks since my last cycle ended. In honor of my Mom and I am going to make a list of the good and bad things about being on a break. My Mom loves lists. Especially Pro/Con lists. She has been known to make Pro/Con lists about my sisters and my boyfriends in the past.

Cons of Being on a Break
- The knowledge that I will not have a baby in my arms for at least another year to two years (if at all)
- The feeling of helplessness and uselessness
- Feeling like I am standing still and making no progress with anything in my life, not just fertility
- The hope that creeps in that maybe I will be one of the lucky few who get a surprise pregnancy during a break cycle

Pros of Being on a Break
- The sex! Seriously the sex lately has been insane. I know, I know, TMI. But now that we don't have to worry about when the IUI will be and worrying about the hubsters sperm counts being good it is like we just started dating again. For heaven's sake we did it THREE times in one night last week. It was crazy! If it wasn't for hubby's schedule right now I am fairly certain we would be doing it every other night, if not every night.
- I am not wasting gas on weekly drives to the RE's office an hour away
- No hot flashes from the Clomid
- No giving my self trigger injections in random bathrooms
- No crazy mood swings
- No dildo cam dates
- Sushi
- Booze
- Did I mention the sex?

I am happy to say the pros list is longer than the cons list. But I would give everything single thing up on the pros list if it meant I could get pregnant right now.

Weight Loss Update...

So I have lost about three pounds in the past week. Not bad. I went to the doctor's on Tuesday and he agreed that as a short time boost I could go on a prescription appetite suppressant. I started it yesterday, I have no clue if it is working, but I am getting some wicked cotton mouth and I get really amped up and hyper about three hours after I take it, which has done wonders for my workouts.

So I decided I need a inspiration pic to keep me moving, I picked a very cute picture of my baby nephew (after all I am doing all this to have a baby) and a picture of me from college when I was somewhere near my goal weight. I never realized how little I was in college. I mean I have never been skinny by any means. But I look at this picture of me and think "why did I think I was go grotesquely fat back then?" Honestly, I thought I was horribly ugly and fat and I could not understand why my college boyfriend was with me b/c he was gorgeous. I think that is why I stayed with him for so long even though he treated me like crap. I thought I was hideous. Now I look at that picture and wished like hell I still looked like that.

Being with a man who appreciates me and tells me I am beautiful even when I am sweaty in my workout clothes with my hair all crazy and my shirt sticking to my rolls is amazing. I have never felt so pretty as when I am with my husband after one of our walks and he tries to jump me before I even shower. I wish I could have felt like that back in college. Look at me getting all wishy washy and sentimental. I will stop now while I am ahead.

Wedding Cupcakes Update...

Tonight is the my meeting with the bride and groom to do the tasting and go over my ideas for decorating and displaying them. I am very nervous, if the decide to hire me this will be my first big event. But I am also really excited. The Pina olada recipe I came up with is great, and I love the designs I did too. Here are a few pics, I will update again later.

Wedding Cupcakes!

I was recently contacted by a very good friend about possibly doing cupcakes for her friend's wedding reception (thanks T!). I have emailed with the lucky bride several times now, and it looks like we will be meeting this Tuesday to do a taste testing and talk about designs.

The theme is Hawaii/Beach so I will be working on Pina Colada Cupcake recipes tomorrow and this weekend. I have some great ideas about doing sand covered cupcakes. I will also be making what I call a "cutting cake." Basically it is a small cake for the top tier of the cupcake tower that the bride and grown can do the traditional cutting of the cake.

I am so excited about the prospect of doing a wedding!!! I know it will be a big challenge, but I think I am up for the task. Plus it will be a great distraction for everything. I will post pics of the test cupcakes this weekend and update on the meeting next week.

Got the call...

It was negative. As I knew it would be, but I am still sitting here crying. I really thought when we started doing the IUIs that it would be easy. I thought I would be one and done. Three tries and still nothing. So we are officially on a break. I just have no words for how sad I am.

Next Step....

Well my last home pregnancy test is gone and it was another negative. I have accepted that this didn't work. I am 13 dpIUI so it is pretty much a done deal. I am still going in on Monday for the blood test just to confirm, and I will also be doing the glucose test that day. But I know that the blood work is going to come back negative and the glucose test is going to come back normal. So onward.

After much crying this morning when I had to tell my husband that we weren't pregnant we agreed that it was best to take a break now. His schedule is insane while he is training for his new job and still working full time at the current job, so we aren't even sure he would be able to fit in more cycles until he officially changes jobs. Plus I am not one to keep trying the same thing over and over and expect different results. We need to do something new. But since Dr. F doesn't use Femara and doesn't want me to start injectables until I have lost at least 10% of my body weight we are kinda out of options for now. I am still going to schedule a consult with him so that we can talk specific BMI goals. I am not good with just lose weight and we will see. I need a goal that I can work towards and keep my eye on.

Right now my goal is to lose 40 pounds by August and then try an injectables IUI, that may change after I talk to Dr. F. Hubby's schedule should be stabilized by then so we shouldn't have any scheduling issues. If after one or two injectable cycles we are still not pregnant we will take another break to lose the remainder of the weight and move onto IVF. I am looking into going on Meridia (an appetite suppressant) to help along my weight loss. We shall see what my GI doc says about that.

So wish me luck in my new hard core weight journey. This blog is going to get a whole lot more weight and Crohn's talk and not so much fertility and baking talk. Sorry.

It is my fault...

I feel like this entire fertility battle is completely my fault. And not in a I am the sick one and the hubby has nothing wrong with him way. But in the I caused this way. All my issues are man made. I don't have PCOS, or Endomestriosis, or some blood clotting or egg quality issues. I took Depo Provera for two different stints of two years. First in college when I was petrified of getting pregnant, and then when I started dating my husband b/c I was tired of having a period while I was dealing with the Crohn's stuff. A large part of why I need fertility treatments is b/c of that birth control.

Now I didn't know at the time that depo had effects that lasted up to and sometimes over two years after going off it. But still I should have done more research. I should have known that I would want to have kids the minute I got married, and done everything to protect that. But I didn't want a period. I feel so stupid now.

The other reason I can't get pregnant is of course my weight. I would like to believe that I can bake and eat anything I want whenever I want and not have it affect my life in any other way than my jean size. But that isn't true. My weight is preventing me from becoming pregnant. And if I am lucky enough to get pregnant my weight will most likely endanger that. So you see, all of my problems are my own fault.

Sometimes when I see my husband holding my 5 month old nephew or playing video games with one of my other 8 nephews I think "he could have kids right now if he had married someone else." Heck he could probably have eight kids by now if he had married his crack-head ex. It makes me so sad that he may never have kids b/c of my own selfishness and lack of will power. I would literally give anything to see him holding our own little baby. But that won't happen anytime soon. I am two days into testing and still stark white negative home pregnancy tests are all I get. I will test again tomorrow morning, and most likely Sunday because I can't help but hold on to the little hope I have. Monday will be the blood test to confirm what I pretty much already know. After that I am taking a break for 4-9 months. The idea of that big a break literally makes my heart ache, heck it makes every part of me ache.

Trying to hold it together...

I am 11 days post IUI and I tested this morning. Twice. Both negative. It could still be early, but I am so disappointed. I had comepletely convinced myself that this had worked and I was pregnant. I have had some of the classic symptoms; nipple soreness, nausea that kinda comes and goes, weird cramping in the general uterus area, needing to pee more often, and being really tired. But the truth is all those things can be explained away by the massive amounts of progesterone I am taking and the fact that I am trying to lose weight and have been chugging water like there is no tomorrow.

I was so excited last night to wake up this morning and test because I was sure it would be positive. I think I slept a total of four hours. Then I started having crazy nightmares too. So now there is a fairly big possibility that I am not pregnant, and I am so tired I will most likely be a giant biotch all day.

I decided I am not going to test again until Saturday. I will test Saturday and Sunday and then Monday is my blood test to confirm. I may also do some baking this weekend for Easter to distract myself.